Cheam M3s 3-2 Oxted Outlaws

By Chris Blackmore,

This weekend saw Cheam M3s return to Nonsuch in a bit of a predicament. The season so far had not been as successful as some had hoped, and with only three points to our name it wasn’t looking pretty seeing the club’s name down near the bottom of the table. However, with the 4s disbanded, this merry bunch of Tweedsters were inundated with new recruits who were keen to impress. Add that to a few returning players from injury (or university) and the team was looking as tasty as a Mary Berry recipe... It proved to be a recipe for success!

Oxted put up a great fight, and the first half saw some incredibly dogged and scrappy hockey as play was transferred from one end to the other. Both teams had chances to score, with Oxted coming the closest before the break. Blossom went down a little too early at a short corner, leaving one lucky Oxted forward to blaze it home… But then a hero arrived! Emerging in an almost supernatural glow of light, Dhiren managed to manipulate time and space itself to swat the ball over the bar from just a yard off the goal-line. Trumpets sounded out, bells rang in the distance, and the kingdom of Cheam cheered Dhiren’s name long into the night... I believe a knighthood will be on its way to him shortly (or at the very least a CBE!).

But the most impactful player came from an unlikely source at the other end of the pitch. Krish, who had sacked off his ‘keeping pads in favour of having a runabout, managed to put Cheam two to the good within ten minutes of the second half. With some lovely build up play from a slippery pair of Eales in the middle, Krish was on hand to slot home. Admittedly whilst the goals were incredibly deserved and indicative of Krish’s hard work, they came in the form of some filthy poaching that I believe is banned in most Sub-Saharan nations, and would have wildlife enthusiasts nauseous beyond belief. Gaz then does what he does best, and put the ball away for Cheam’s third, making us all feel very dizzy to be that far ahead. For their efforts, Krish and Dhiren shared the MOTM votes this week, and rightly so. However, Krish was also nominated as our DOTD, for committing the mortal sin of “Hattrick Avoidance”, air-swinging at a loose ball when it looked easier to score.

Things were looking peachy and so, in an effort to make me sweat, Cheam all of a sudden decided to hit self-destruct, and allowed Oxted a route back into the game. First of all, Blossom decided to take out a teenager for having the audacity of coming near his goal, and gave away a P-Flick that was squeezed under his pads. Then, panicking more than Dianne Abbott without a calculator, Cheam totally miscalculated some decent Oxted passing, and they carved through to score a second. Fortunately, this was no Titanic-esque sinking, and Cheam managed to plug those holes and see off an impressive Oxted resurgence in the final ten minutes.

A special mention must be made to the younger lads who played yesterday, putting in real grit and determination throughout the match, whilst showing real maturity in their running and passing to keep Cheam on the front foot. Ewan was instrumental in playing out from the back, whilst James, David, and Bertie consistently found time and space going forward to cause the Oxted defence some issues. It is great to see these lads come on so much in such a short space of time, and growing into becoming regulars for the 3rd XI!

It was a thoroughly enjoyable game, made even better by securing another three points and signs of progress in the team. Yet, the sweetest thing in this victory was seeing the infallible, all-knowing James Ross stutter and stammer his way through umpiring… Even apologising to someone at one point! If that isn’t progress, then I don’t know what is.