Epsom M4s 3-1 Cheam M3s

By Chris Blackmore

Looking onwards to the home stretch and Cheam’s 3XI had a lot of work to do in order to salvage safety in the murky depths near the bottom of Division One. This week saw us up against Epsom, who sat in the position above us (albeit by a cosy six points), and we knew we had a strong chance to push on and make their end to the season as uncomfortable as listening to stories of Sammy’s night-time escapades.

The match started positively, with some lovely work down the left as Alex, Morris, and Gaz all synced up to produce some silky passing through Epsom’s defence. However, for all our huff and puff, we couldn’t force our way through, and from one quick break Epsom (and the infamous Carlos) put themselves in front. Stirred from their slumber, Epsom began to turn the screws and Cheam found ourselves under more pressure than Donald Trump’s hairdresser. After conceding a further two goals, we slumped into our half-time talk as happy as Larry… Larry David.

However, after some wise words from the team, Cheam came out with a shuffled pack and a renewed sense of confidence. I felt like Emperor Kuzco, you know, after getting his new groove. This second half had us back on top form, with a solid defence and a dangerous attack. It is always a joy to watch the sensible distribution of Koen and Ted from the back, keeping the team ticking over and recycling possession. The second half saw us shut out the difficult Epsom front-line, and Molly and Koen worked well to nullify the threat of Carlos and co., with Root and Bender cutting out and service into the middle. Cheam managed to pull one back from a short-corner, giving evidence to the claim that actually practicing short-corners might make them more effective… The jury is still out back at Cheam HQ, perhaps we were all just inspired by Gaz’s beautiful drawing of a semi-circle.

Unfortunately that was the only goal Cheam managed to score, and there was no rousing comeback like that against Teddington just a short while ago. However, we fought to the very end and made sure that Epsom had to work hard for their win. When all was said and done, not a man in sight had their breath. The last time that many sweaty men were all together was in one of Sammy’s stories… Unfortunately he managed to pick up this week’s DOTD award for being as threatening in front of goal as a half-melted Action Man figure with no arms. MOTM was overwhelmingly won by Chris Blackmore for his solid and energetic shift throughout the match.

With the loss to Epsom a disheartening blow, we can only look forward to a strong finish to the end of the season and hope to bow out in a blaze of glory in our final two games. With Epsom now nine points ahead in the league, it is up to the mighty ‘SOHL’, God of League Restructuring, to save us from relegation. I don’t know about you, but I’m off to go make a sacrifice in order to please this colossal deity…