Pilgrims sent straight to hell by a couple of ‘Grim Keepers’

Written by Chris Blackmore

They say that attack is the best form of defence, but this week the 3s found that the opposite is also true! With this week’s team selection about as difficult as trying to recruit people to join Channel 4’s Bake Off, the 3s found themselves with a plethora of keepers in the match-day squad. Yet it proved to be an inspiring move, as our outfield keeper pairing of Krish and Steve pulled more strings than Jim Henson at a Muppet Christmas Special.

The day started poorly, with Saturday traffic and M25 collisions making the journey to Reigate as easy as a Frodo’s travels to Mordor, although the hills of Reigate are a tad more picturesque than Mount Doom. However, as our bare eleven set up against the opposition, early nerves of our unconventional 3-4-3 formation were cleared as the 3s raced away to a 4-0 lead before half-time, courtesy of our keeping heroes. Krish fashioned himself as an Ozil figure, assisting more people than a nurse in a run-down care-home. Yet the standout performance came from Steve, who scored three of the four goals for Cheam, perhaps he became possessed by the spirit of Goalman… Funnily enough though, old habits die hard, and Steve’s heat-map would not look out of place alongside his usual keeping performances, with most of his impact coming within around six feet of Reigate’s goalmouth. Yet these two champions have inspired a nation to not be pigeonholed, to break free of the mould, to live out your true potential, and be who you want to be… So therefore next week the 3s will be lead out by their new captain: Christine.

Away from those two, we did have nine other players on the pitch and it would be remiss of me not to mention some others. First up, Chris Powell had obviously been motivated by GB’s Paralympic heroes this summer, as he spent most of the match refusing to play with both hands. However this didn’t stop him from terrorising Reigate’s fifteen year-old midfield and their fifty year-old defence. Lawrence also put in a solid shift after completing ‘Tough Mudder’ earlier that very morning! With an engine like that it wouldn’t be a surprise if he was stolen by German engineers for further testing. Badger spent this week in a slightly unfamiliar CDM role, but managed to grease up the cogs enough to keep the team ticking over and dominate possession in the second half, when we went down to ten. The final big shout out goes to Sohail, who was involved in a game in which a card was shown and a player left the pitch, yet it wasn’t him! You must be as shocked and bemused as we were… If you’re feeling dizzy, please go lie down and just give it time to sink in.

All in all, a decent result and hopefully we can continue this form as the season gets truly underway next week. Onward and upward!