I’m Woking Away… From all the troubles in my life.

By Chris Blackmore

This week saw Cheam 3s strive ever closer to reaching our first points in Division 1, but alas it was not meant to be. Woking 4s managed to scuttle Cheam’s defensive efforts and steal all the points in a frustrating 1-0 win. It was the biggest theft since Ocean’s Eleven, which left me filled with all the disappointment and anger of Ocean’s Twelve.

Whilst this week’s benefit is that I only have to focus on one goal, the downside would be that it was a truly woeful goal to concede. Midway through the second half of a particularly scrappy match, Woking’s long-ball pummelling of our D reaped its reward. One of their players appeared like Houdini, completely unmarked at the back post to tap in. Insanity is defined as “Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.” Woking came close to being classified as insane with their game-plan, but unfortunately they achieved what seemed impossible only moments before. Until conceding, Cheam were giving Woking a decent game by soaking up the pressure and performing some quick, sharp counter-attacks to break out.

However, after conceding, the proverbial poop hit the metaphorical air-conditioning. Panic set in, and with our desperation for points Cheam 3s began doing something that is totally unfamiliar to the Tweed Brigade’s entire brand: Hit’n’Hope-Hockey.

Perhaps we all subconsciously entered some sort of Stevie Wonder impression competition, because Cheam began to disregard all use of sight, and instead were lumping it up-field in the hopes that Powell, Gaz, or Sammy might suddenly appear like that infamous Woking player. I understood the frustration, and even took part in some wild passes and stupid dribbles myself, but all over the pitch the coordination and cooperation began to fade away. No longer was teamwork making the dream-work. Instead Cheam 3s experienced a Hockey nightmare, as Woking were constantly picking up loose balls and piling forward for more chances. Only the saving graces of our MOTM Blossom (who else) alongside fine work from Root and Molly (despite some very questionable passing at times) kept us within reach of the game. In a match that was so ripe for the taking, Cheam 3s couldn’t snatch what would have been a deserved point.

I imagine that Taylor is quite the gamer in his free time, as he seems to have been inspired by the release of Battlefield 1, trying to re-enact some WW1 artillery with a few aerials of his own. However, much like general WW1 artillery, it was entirely ineffective and mostly off target, earning him DOTD. I also would like to send a shout-out to our very own Badger. I should probably shout very loud, because recently I have no idea where he’s gotten to. Badger seems to be developing a habit of flaking harder than Joe Hart’s scalp in the dark days before Head and Shoulders. Finally on a much happier note, congratulations to Alex who, although he missed the match, did so in style by getting married this weekend (would have preferred a mid-week celebration but ah well…) All the best from Cheam!

I have no doubt that those points are coming, and I will welcome them with open arms when they do. Get keen gentlemen, there’s a lot of work to be done, but all the spoils to be had as well!