Ladies 2nd XI v London Edwardians Ladies 3

In the history of carriages of injustice, there are few more dramatic, more devastating, than one sporting event of Saturday 3rd October.
No, I'm not talking about England's abysmal RWC performance.

A mere 4 hours ahead of the aforementioned (non) event, Cheam Ladies 2s battled it out against London Eds at Raynes Park High. Sincerest Apologies to the webmasters for the lateness of this report - my blood has only just finished boiling.

The game started pleasantly enough - we welcomed newcomer Toni Purvis, a seasoned defender from Wombles-Playing-Tennis-Country, Louisa Briki made her twos debut, and we welcomed BACK Kate 'I just want to be like Brandy' Madden and her Bionic Leg. It was a glorious mix of old and new, young and old, and an accidental 4 sub set up. The Ladies 1s did a fantastic job of making it a home game from the side lines, we even had a tash adorning, uniformed coaching team, looking SLICK (see match report picture) - by all appearances everything was going Cheam's way.

That was, of course, until it became clear that this was no ordinary game of hockey. This was a game of opposites day, Simon’s says in reverse, or ‘let’s just play advantage’.

We played well in the first half but struggled to break through London Eds defence. There were many notable chances, especially from Meg and Holly. There was a rumour going around that Meg's 1:1 against the goalie was thwarted by some pretty 'old school' defensive tactics (i.e. schooled before the rules got bought in), evidenced by her face plant in Ed's D. Our defensive line took a little while to get organised but Caz did a sterling job directing play from the back. Cheam just lacked the pace against one or two of the Ed's forwards though, and we were 2-0 down at half time.

The second half was when all of the action happened. Cheam very quickly equalised with 2 goals from Meg within 5 mins of one another, claiming the first league goals of the season. WHAT A PLAYER! One was from a short corner, the 2s benefitting from Tuesday's practice (and it wasn't even a 9-1-1!). Cheam battled hard off the back of the two goals, despite feet not actually being feet, and 'playing advantage' taking on a whole new meaning that involves the ball floating in the middle of the pitch as if a lost and lonely wilson bobbing in the sea (Castaway - IMDB). Unfortunately, London Ed's then scored twice in quick succession - the first goal came from the oppo's attack, while standing on a Cheam defensive stick, kicking the ball to her colleague who kicked it into a goal. Cheam lost concentration and became disoriented (this is not a game of shoe-ball) and a second goal was conceded in the midst of desperate appealing for a short corner. My memory gets pretty blurry from this point onwards, the red mist had descended, another goal conceded and -REMEMBER KIDS - do as I say not as I do. Chatting back to umpires is not big and it's not clever, and I could have currently be sitting on a three match ban (probs).

I will no longer dwell on some of the dubious umpiring techniques employed during the game, I can only assume that we were embroiled in some sort of experimental think tank to determine how hockey players react to utter madness and mayhem. All left to be said (sportingly) is thank you very much for both for giving up your time and apologies for the backchat – of which there was lots – from both sides.

Let’s think about some of the successes, of which there were many. Cheam were 2-0 down at half time, we equalised. We fought until the very end and created some great chances that very almost came off. This is a massive improvement from last season, and let's take it to the next game (which Alice is umpiring - Surely it couldn't be get worse?!?!). Kate Madden played exceptional hockey, lulling the oppo into a false sense of security with metal-knee-syndrome. And I'm sorry Kirsty we might have a new position for you, K-dizzle had an absolute STORMER at right back, chasing down the breaks like a ninja and attacking up the line like a pro. And the oppo were actually quite nice ladies, including extended Cheam (tour) family members - Linette it was great to play against you, try not to be so good on the return leg!

MOM went to Toni for a solid debut although Meg gets a special mention for smashing goaltime. DOD - well, it wasn't a Cheam player...