Goan 0 - 6 Cheam M3s

Following a highly amusing encounter versus Goan earlier in the season, a number of our squad were looking forward to the return fixture. A thoroughly good group off the pitch, some of the opposition's antics on the pitch had many of us shaking our heads in disbelief for a second time this season.

The match took place on a rather old-school astro / beach. It was hard as concrete and a high bleed-risk. It was also our first trip of the season to Croydon, the sort of place in which 'Nandos' is genuinely regarded as an acceptable lunch or dinner option. Just to make things clear, it is not.

With a strong line-up primed and ready to go promptly, the opposition calmly sauntered into the cage 5 minutes before push-back and sent our umpire Koen's blood pressure up a few notches by ignoring his threats to begin the match without them while they casually warmed up.

With the danger-men from the home fixture targeted, our heroes dominated the match from start to finish, and a combination of wasteful finishing and plenty of un-penalised GBH in the D prevented this one from being double figures.

Fisty opened the scoring in slightly bizarre circumstances. A shot at goal was blocked by a defender's leg only for advantage to be played. With the ball on his stick at a tight angle, the Fist decided to offer the Goan defence 5 seconds to stop waving their arms around and engage him. Bored of waiting, he put the ball into the goal for 1-0.

Goal number two followed shortly via Goalman, after which Goan looked a beaten team. Goan threatened a response, and riled Blossom by striking a short-corner while his back was turned. Confusion followed, with a bemused umpire looking as though he wished he'd taken the day off. Thankfully, the re-take was defended resolutely, and was their last meaningful attack.

Buchols made it 3-0 by notching his first goal of the season, finishing a fine move down the right-hand side. Keen to get in on the act, Brandi then meandered into the D, looked a number of times for a killer pass, and failing to do so smashed a rocket into the top corner instead.

The chat at half-time was all about keeping our motivation, keeping a clean sheet, and finishing off the Jelly Babies. I'm pleased to say that we achieved all three. After two sloppy goals conceded last week, Surrey Open's meanest defence was back on form, leaving our D (and 23 for that matter) untroubled for the second 35.

Goalman added a fifth goal in odd fashion, after a long battle with the Goan keeper, and shortly after claimed his hat-trick, finishing off one of the best goals of the season. From a 16 we put together a fine move down the right one-two-ing our way into the Goan D, leaving Goalman with a simple finish. 6-0 and job done.

By the time the final whistle blew the opposition were ready to come to blows with each other, and there were some bizarre scenes with their number 8 having to be physically restrained post-match.

The whole team retired, satisfied, to the pub. Sadly though, Keddie (a Croydon resident) let himself down with his shocking lack of local knowledge. There are three pubs called 'The Cricketers' in Croydon, and for the Fiddler, it was a case of third time lucky, showing up after all the food had been consumed. To compound matters further, he was not quite late enough to avoid predictable punishment via DotD nominations. Others in danger of DotD were Blossom, for being a peripheral figure and not getting more involved in the game, and Ted for not playing the whole match (apparently volunteering to umpire the final 15 minutes after Koen had to shoot off gave him no sympathy). Harshly the heroic touch of bringing a bottle of Bucks Fizz into the changing room after the game was roundly ignored. A three-way Gin-Face ensued, which Blossom duly 'won' convincingly to claim yet another DotD. That guy just cannot get through a Saturday unnoticed.

Brandi won the MotM vote, with a strong display and a cracking goal.

With the Goan team convinced they were a quick striker away from being competitive, we offered them Fisty in exchange for a hefty transfer fee. Sadly, I don't think the paperwork got through before the January transfer window 'slammed shut'. Jim White and Sky Sports will be disappointed.

Back on home soil next week, with a tough game against OGs.
See you there.