Cheam M3s 4 - 2 Oxted Outlaws

After the disappointment of last week’s cancellation due to a frozen pitch, Cheam’s band of heroes were eager to continue their strong pre-Christmas form, and prove that there is life after Jonny.

Having been pestered regularly for more pre-match posters, Blossom answered his increasingly vocal critics with a Wild-West-themed gem. The fact that Buchols (featured) had to pull out of the squad on Thursday evening put a dampener on things slightly. Nevertheless, it’s up there with his best work, both on and off the pitch.

Rather than theme the whole match report to mirror the style of the poster, player names have been put through a ‘Cowboy Name Generator’ online (link available on request, though given some of the names thrown out, I’m sure the requests will be minimal).

Our heroes gathered in a timely fashion at 09:30 but were shocked by the late arrival of Mike ‘Promiscuous’ Karolak (genuinely the first name that came out!). Normally the team’s ultra-keeno, and Poland’s No. 1, turned up looking decidedly shagged out having gone AWOL for most of the morning. Speculation has been rife about who the lucky recipient of Blossom’s enormous Friday night charisma offensive was, and his ‘don’t ask’ policy was always likely to backfire come DotD nomination time…

Bombshell No. 2 was Chris ‘Wild Hog’ Blackmore’s revelation that timetable pressures had robbed him of the opportunity to carry out his essential pre-match ritual. Sadly the Nonsuch School facilities received one less heavy duty visit than usual that morning, and the additional load had our Ginny Weasley impersonator walking like John Wayne for the entire 70 minutes.

With Tim, Gaz and Jonny (Hero) all called up to the 2s, and with The Badger still polishing his religious teachings, Sammy, GCP and Joe 'Bad Egg' Oddy gamely stepped in. Unfortunately though, ‘Dangerous’ Dan Pearson brought the wrong stick bag and spent the entire first half knee-capping the opposition with back-to-back slaps with his Pitching Wedge.

The game started slowly for the home side, with the Outlaws taking the lead via a short corner. It was sloppy stuff, but with such an early set-back, we were confident of a response. The equaliser came 5 minutes later with Richard ‘Gun Slinger’ Goalman finishing off a fine move down the right hand side.

As in the away tie, Oxted were stubborn opposition, cutting out multiple waves of attack well, and countering with two or three playing high up top. In fact, a morning spent tracking their forward / Olympic sprinter left Dom ‘Big Gun’ Beales with two seriously tight hamstrings.

However, Cheam went ahead through another Goalman strike, and were pleased to be leading at half time despite a rather disjointed performance. The team talk was delivered by a rather dazed captain, who decided that taking on the Oxted defence was not challenge enough for him. He also took on the Nonsuch Astroturf cage; a merciless opponent both as strong and mobile as Evan ‘Justice’ Davies. Needless to say, the cage ended up an emphatic winner here.

With Jelly Babies a revelation at half time, we came out and dominated the second half, with Goalman sealing another hat-trick with 25 minutes left. More Cheam chances came and went, but the Outlaws were given a lifeline after some kamikaze defending. Blackmore was dreaming about where he would be sitting, pants down in the near future, GCP somewhere contemplating his next business trip, and Dom was pissing about near the halfway line. All this led to a quick break away and another sloppy goal conceded. 3-2.

Thankfully we re-grouped once more and Chris ‘Pistol’ Powell put the result beyond doubt with a neat finish, after good work from GCP.
With seconds to go, James ‘Mystery’ Mantle remembered his contractual obligation to throw his one (utterly ineffective and pointless) aerial per game; and with the 1s watching on, he showed them what they were missing by delivering just that. With the spot-betters now appeased, that was the end of proceedings.

MotM – With teas effectively ordered for the first time this season, Goalman was awarded with the Man of the Match award.

DotD – With the squad safely tucked up in bed by 20:30, mindful of an early push back the following morning, Blossom decided to go rogue, and didn’t even have the courtesy of filling in his teammates afterwards (of the details).

An away trip to fun-loving Goan next week.

See you there.
Big Gun