Cheam Ladies 1st XI

Report: Urghh! So dismal, for once I'm speechless.

One bright spark, Bev, who saved us from total embarrassment with numerous saves. Good goal also from Jenny. No excuses, Merton thoroughly deserved their win.

Bring on the highly tuned athletes!

Report:

Hip hopping with my b*tches
On the Cheam pitches
Match against Woking
Need a good choking

Stepping up Lexi
Wendy and Chimpy
Players in short sleeves (some)
Skirts still skimpy

Yo, Sylvie on the right wing
Wendy on the left wing
Quick passing everywhere
Not getting anywhere

Wendy pass
Sylvie pass
Wendy pass
Sylvie's reverse stick crash (into back of the net)

Ruth Ungoed Thomas
Hanging tough, showing class
Steph playing every trick
Hair on end, all static

Wendy stalking on the line
Sylvie weaving all the time
Passes straight across the box
Wendy poaches like a fox

Yo, two nil at the end
Twenty three points, no less
Never all over yet
Promotion still on, I guess

By way of explanation for the above*, one of our esteemed team mates admitted during the warm up yesterday that she had, earlier in the week, walked into a hip hop , yes hip hop, club still wearing the delegate badge and, no doubt the attire, from an earlier mathematics conference she had attended. Only Sinead!

* Actually, I think the above style is technically known as rapping but please indulge me!

Report:
Secret Diary of an Amateur Hockey Player - AUTHOR'S IDENTITY FINALLY REVEALED SENSATION!!!!!

6 reports in and there are only so many words one can elicit (without entering risque territory) from 6 consonants and 3 vowels. And so, because my identity is about to be revealed by the Sutton Guardian (despite a last minute attempt at a High Court injunction), I can confirm that it is I, Grimesy, who has been chronicling (I'm sure this is not the correct spelling but it's 11.30pm and the Zzzzzzs are enveloping me) the dark Saturday exploits of 12 women of young, mid and aged persuasion on a stretch of artifical turf in North East Surrey.

By (week)DAY, a respected(?) recruiter, by SaturDAY a wearer of short skirts, tall socks, a tooth cover of dubious hue and the holder of a stick of rigid proportions! Kinky to say the least! For Rose's Grandparents, you may want to switch off now!!

Enough of her dark materials, what of the game......?

The Ladies 1's started against Wanderers on the back of 5 game unbeaten run but fully aware that the oppo in waiting had beaten us comprehensively in the reverse fixture.

Wanderers took the lead fairly early on after what can only be described as a "kerfuffle" on the goal line! The rest of the half was fairly evenly matched but with Wanderers breaking dangerously at pace from time to time. 0-1 at half time.

The second half began with concerted pressure from Wanderers which resulted in a number of corners. Goalie Bev pulled off a number of stunning saves including a one handed effort above her head in mid air no less. Pressure told and Wanderers added to their lead from a sideline hit which eluded several Cheam players only to find an opposition player who shot into the corner of the Cheam goal. 0-2.

The third Wanderers goal bore more resemblance to one that a certain, "fox in the box", Michael Owen might be proud of ie kicking it in. 0-3.

Still, with 13 minutes to go, Cheam continued to attack and scored a cracking goal after Pankster fired in an excocet from the left of the D which Jenny got a stick to and it flew into the Wanderers net. 1-3.

Despite other Cheam attacks, all hope was extinguished when Wanderers scored a 4th goal from another corner. 1-4.

As a postscipt, my alter ego collected a green card for 2 horrendous stick tackles (the dirty....!).

The upshot: Endeavour in spades, grey matter a wee bit lacking.

On paper, promotion is a distant hope but, you never know, as strange results are occurring in this league!

Swelle de Jour Grimes

Report: WANTED - FOR CRIMES AGAINST THE SPIRIT OF THE GAME - a Neanderthal on the sidelines in Chelsea kit!

A game full of incident opened with Cheam taking the lead 5 minutes into the game after Pankster put Rose through to shoot wide of the Guildford keeper and into the back of the net. 0-1

Possession was equal in percentage terms for the first 20 minutes of the game with both teams having shots on target. Sylvie caused havoc in the centre and on the right with a number of mazy runs and, keen to get in on the act, both Rose and Ruth also caused Guildford problems. A rash of Cheam stick tackles resulted in Pankster taking a green card for the team which could have diminished her contribution but not a bit. However, towards the end of the half, Guildford scored from a well worked corner. 1-1

After a rousing half time team talk from Charlotte, Cheam came out for the second half but Guildford took the initiative. the entite Cheam defence repelled them with some great tackles and Craigy particularly standing out for her defensive obdurancy (and no little skill, it has to be said). Cheam scored through Rose who, intercepting a Guildford hit out, took the ball into the 'D' from the left and hit across the Guildford goalie with a 'Hollywood' shot. 1-2

The game for Cheam took a turn for the unexpected when Dot "I've never had a card of any sort in my life, not even a Christmas card" Hare was given one of the yellow variety (for the team) after one stick tackle too many. Down to 10 for 5 minutes, Cheam continued to battle hard but could not stop Guildford scoring a well taken goal with a strong shot across our keeper from the top of the 'D'.

2-2 at the end which was a fair result but, as Captain Mainwaring was apt to say about the Germans in Dad's Army, "Guildford - they don't like it up 'em, you know!"

Report:

Dot... Dot... Dot... Dash - Dash - Dash!!

The Ladies 1s turned out for the first time in 7 weeks... 7 long and depressing weeks particularly for one of the "sistahood", Sinead, who was taken to a secure unit after being caught on camera on Saturday 16th January pouring boiling water over the pitch at the Fortress!

Let out for good behaviour, Sinead took her place alongside her team mates on Saturday against an Old Kingstonian side which had proved a tricky opponent in the reverse fixture.

Fitness was always going to play the biggest part in the first match back and Cheam proved that they hadn't eaten all the pies over Xmas by winning most of the 50-50 balls. They took the lead with a well executed goal from Rose. Old Kingstonians hit back by forcing a corner and scoring from it, a peculiar occurrence for Cheam this season as goals conceded from corners have been rare.
Still, this only brought out the 'FORCE' in Dot Vader who, restored to her place in left midfield, stormed through towards the '25' and threaded a great ball, through the eye of a needle, to Jenny who dispatched her shot with aplomb! 2-1 at half time.

The first phase of the second half brought the usual onslaught from a team 2-1 down but, slowly, Cheam got a grip and started to string passes together in midfield and the pressure resulted in Sylvie scoring through a wonderfully excecuted reverse sweep shot. 3-1 it ended.

Comedy moment: Grimesy self patting (yes, I meant to say patting) a ball, between her legs, 4 inches behind her without looking (what a berk!), only for an opponent to run on to it with a free run at goal. Luckily, our escapee from the secure unit saved her blushes!

Finally, in summary, first game back, workmanlike performance but a win's a win!!

Report:
PERFECT 10!

The Ladies 1s went into this weekend's match on the back of a 2-game unbeaten run but with only 11 players, against a THD team which had taken the spoils 4-1 in the reverse fixture at the beginning of the season.

THD had the better of the early exchanges with the Cheam defence equal to the intense pressure they came under from a tough opposition midfield and forward line.

As the half developed, Cheam began to grow in confidence with Pankster picking out Sylvie on the right with some great crossfield passes who then ran at the THD defence and cracked three or four excellent crosses into the 'D' all of which just escaped the oncoming Cheam forwards and midfielders.

From a free hit. just outside the '25', Pankster picked up the ball and passed across the 'D'. Dot connected and swept the ball strongly towards goal. THD's defence could not cope with the strength of the hit and helped the ball into the back of the net. A "Dubious Goals Panel" on the sidelines consisting of Baby Boyce, A-Mart, Eggie and 3 cans of Carlsberg awarded the goal to Dot!

Further Cheam pressure earned a flick late in the first half which was saved well by THD's keeper. Half time 1-0.

Early in the second half, Cas took a ball on the forehead which resulted in her departure from the day's proceeding. Bring on 'the Alamo' and welcome to the 'Theatre of Comedy'.....

As there were no subs, a reorganisation ensued with Grimesy going to Centre Back (you heard correctly) and detailed with man-marking the tallest women in the world and who made Sylvie look like a pygmy. She also had a playing style reminiscent of Didier Drogba!

With 'Arlene' Dickenson urging the defence to move their feet from the sidelines and Jo Syron taking on board the 'vocal' coaching she had received on Wednesday night, it was a 'backs to the wall' job for 25 minutes. Constant THD pressure was repelled time and time again by the defiant Cheeam defence with goalkeeper Bev making some stunning reflex saves until time ran out and the final whistle blew. Great win.

Report:

'Fan-CAZ-tic!'

Blimey, should give up the day job to be a headline writer for the Sun but, on second thoughts, that would mean voting Conservative at the next general election! Ain't gonna happen!

Enough politics (psssst....vote Labour in May!)

Ahem! Cheam Ladies 1s played Wimbledon at their place this weekend.

Missing 3 key players in Roz, Pankster and Craigy, the team extended a warm welcome to Emily Protheroe from the 2s.

Honours even in the first 20 minutes with most of the play taking place in the midfield, Wimbledon then had the best of play up to half time but Cheam's defence were marshalled splendidly by Caz playing sweeper for the day. When, on the rare occasion that Wimbledon did get through, Bev nonchalantly dealt with everything that was hit at her. That said, Cheam were unlucky not to be ahead just before half time when they hit the post.

The second half brought more of the same but then we realised that we were playing a team which, along with gumshields and shinpads, had also packed it's telepathy skills, calling decisions in advance of the umpires - a rare skill indeed! But not even a higher power was going to breach Cheam's mighty midfield and granite defence.

The noise levels from both teams increased as the final whistle approached but at full time it ended 'Love All'

"YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!!!!"

Report: With 5 minutes to go and the score at 2-2, Radio Cheam extends a warm welcome to listeners of the World Service for this game between two teams looking to break into the "Top 2".

For the benefit of our listeners from around the world, after equal early exchanges the home team conceded a corner in the 10th minute which Richmond converted. 0-1

Cheam treated this as a minor irritation and attacked with great purpose from the pushback with Louise Pank too hot for the oppo to handle in midfield. Overall midfield pressure culminated in a superb goal from Jenny Brennan after a great cross from Rose Hutson who found herself on the left. 1-1

With confidence high and further dominance by the home team, Cheam took the lead with a goal that had "Hollywood" written all over it. A defence-splitting pass from someone in midfield whose name momentarily escapes me found Rose who nonchalantly ran onto it and deftly flicked it through the legs of the oncoming Richmond keeper. 2-1

After half time Pankster continued to pull the strings in midfield whilst a well marshalled, disciplined and determined defence kept the back door well and truly shut until Richmond's troublesome centre forward scored a good goal with less than 10 minutes to go. 2-2.

"So here we are. With 5 minutes to go and honours even, Cheam win a corner. All the players huddle at the top of the D. Sylvana shapes to take the corner...
In it comes, played firmly to Pankster. Straight strike! Backboard! Bang! 3 minutes later, whistle.

Some men spill onto the pitch (of course, this could be to do with the fact that the Men's 1sts are on directly after us but indulge me). THEY THINK IT'S ALL OVER. IT IS NOW" 3-2

Report: A tilt at the top of the table side was made even more of a mission when the match took place in the middle of a deluge! One of the moments of the game was lightning striking the top of one of the light stantions, followed closely by a huge thunderclap. We faced a gale force wind in the first half but we battled the elements and the opposition well and were unlucky to find ourselves two down by half time. The bus-stop style dugout was sheltering our kit so we toughed the break out in the open. Yet heavier rain fell during the second half but our workrate didnt let up, Charlotte's fitness sessions at training standing us in good stead. Jo and Craigy kept winning possession back for us in the centre of the park and at last Sylvie's silky skills conjured a good chance on goal which their goalie did well to save. Both teams started to struggle to control and distribute the ball as frozen hands interfered with stick control. Time and again Roz's authority in the tackle rescued us. Oxted got lucky when their umpire missed a foot controlling the ball into the path of their forward who made no mistake with the finish. The handshakes,"good game" comments and relieved expressions on the oppo's faces at the finish showed we had run them a lot closer than the scoreline suggested.

Report: Merton came with the reputation of being physical and competitive; luckily Cheams's superior skills tamed their aggressiveness. With an excellent warm up Cheam started the game well and were soon penetrating in the Merton D whilst remaining rock solid in defence. Within the first 15 minutes Craigy made excellent use of the self-pass dribbling towards the D; before putting a beautiful cross in that Grimesy neatly deflected into the oppo's net.

Cheam remained on top for much of the game. Sylvana made lots of silky weaving runs that bamboozled Merton. Jenny was as usual committed all over the pitch eventually Merton resorted to taking her out completely! Following a brief interlude at the start of the second half which meant that Merton had to change their goalie Cheam continued to dominate. Sylvana, following the coach's instructions, scored a goal that barely crossed the line let alone ! touch the backboard!
The win was a great team effort and showed the advantage of having spare players on the side.

Watch this space for more wins!

Report: A hardworking and encouraging team performance saw Cheam post a 2-0 win over Working and record their first points of the 2009/10 league campaign.

During an evenly balanced first half, Cheam's best chance of breaking the deadlock came with a great strike from a short corner by Jen. At the other end, great saves from goalkeeper Bev kept Cheam on level terms.

After the break, Cheam stepped up a level and a driving run and pass by Pankster was finished by a well taken and early strike by current top-scorer Jen, beating the goalkeeper at the near post. Woking came back but their efforts were well kept at bay by the defence marshalled by Ros.

Cheam then turned the screws and great pressure on the Woking defence by Dot, Grimesy and Craigy meant the ball was never far from the Woking area. This pressure eventually told with a fantastic strike from a seemingly impossible angle by player of the match Pankster to secure the game for Cheam and set them on their way for the season.