Cheam Mens 3rd XI

Report: A game between the 3’s and the Clarets (with a seasonal sprinkling of 2’s players) was hastily arranged to keep us all match fit in the run up to Christmas.

Once the teams had been sorted out it was the Clarets who were quickest out of the blocks, with Anton multitasking to fine effect as player and umpire and The Good Reverend making light of his 54 years.

Derry (playing for the vets) was the first to make a break through - in his usual understated manner.

The Claret’s second goal came from a well worked short corner routine (that’s what they said anyway, looked more like a scuffed short that was rescued by Zippy and slotted neatly past the ‘keeper).

The 3’s had a few chances but the ever athletic Frostie kept them at bay until there was a bit of a break, Gareth had a shot saved, picked up the rebound and passed across to Spaghetti who’s shot squirmed under the keeper and (with Donkey away in The Holy Land on ecumenical duties carrying his heavy load to Bethlehem) Charlie was on hand to confidently tuck away his first goal for the 3’s, without anyone nicking it on the line.

So 2 -1 at half time, a few wee drams (none of that healthy electrolyte stuff for us) and we were off again, with the whistle now having been passed to Andre.

It was more end to end stuff as each team was trying to get the ball to do the work but the defences held firm, right up to the point where the Bender/Spaghetti combination came good. A low drilled hit into the D from Andy was deflected over the onrushing Frostie to level the scores. Chances came at each end with Charlie making the much of the running and having several more efforts saved.

The Clarets had a chance to win it in the last few seconds but there was a good save by Krish and the final whistle was blown before Anton could have a go at the rebound – thank you Andre.

Report: Well, our last league game before Christmas and the 3’s were playing top of the table and unbeaten, Bank of England.

What followed was our version of a Dickensian Christmas Carol.

We had the bad tempered, mean spirited Scrooge as the villain of the piece (more about Donkey later on). The spirit of Christmas past as Zippy joined us on loan from the vets and the spirit of Christmas present – the space gifted to the Bank’s agile centre forward as a cracked the first goal past Krish.

More encouraging were our three spirits of Christmas future as the now established Ross and Charlie were joined by Fred playing his first game of men’s hockey.

The opening exchanges were fairly even, with much of the play in the middle of the pitch, but then the Bank scored their first, a few minutes later they got a second, this time from a short corner, the ball flying past a prostrated goal keeper.

The game was keenly competitive without becoming too aggressive; notwithstanding the fact that I am writing this whilst sporting a black eye. We were only 2 – 0 down at half time and playing quite well. All we needed to do now was get the ball into the opposition D.

The third Bank goal came from another short, struck with such ferocity that it broke the ‘keepers stick on the way into the back of the net.

Five minutes to go and Sparky went on one of his runs from deep, beat several players and passed the ball to Charlie in the D. He successfully rolled the defender and got a shot away that was only partly blocked by the ‘keeper. Was this to be his first league goal for the club – no. Up steps the aforementioned Donkey to poach the goal on the line to move into 2nd place on the 3’s top scorer’s sheet and earn himself an uncontested DOTD award.

Final score 3 – 1 to Bank of England.

On a plus note, we now have a 100% conversion rate on our strikes on goal over the past two weeks.

Report: The bulk of 3s arrived early to watch the 1s finish their match before taking to the pitch against PW. We were quickly informed by our own Surrey youngest that the bulk of the opposition were made up the Surrey under 16 & 18 squads, but we were optimistic as ever that experience would prevail over youth. The first half started quickly, with both teams getting some good attacks, but soon the tables turned and we found ourselves on the back foot. To add to our troubles Donkey committed a terrible stick tackle, and 2 seconds after being warned about it, he proved the old saying "stubborn as a mule" and  did it again finding himself justifiably yellow carded. PWs soon found the net and would have doubled it in the first half if not for a stunning p-flick save from captain Cockles. The best Cheam chance of the match came from great link up play by Neil, Pube and James, but the shot was saved on the line.

The second half started, and we once more had 11 men, but a tired Cheam were showing their age, as PW dominated for most of the half. Some excellent defensive and goalkeeping play from Phil, Cracker, Sparky, Levi, Ted, Krish and most of all new boy Gary "Tina" Turner, made it so PW only managed one more goal. This time around youth definitely beat experience.

MotM: There were 2 stand out performances in the match and so only two names in the running. Captain Cockles had a blinder in goal, including a p-flick save. However the award went to Gary "Tina" Turner for an superb defensive performance against a team who were mainly made up of players younger than his stick!

DotD: The battle for the Doug of the day was fierce. Bodger was first to throw his name into the hat for it with another tardy arrival. Then donkey staked a claim with his terrible tackling and card. The winner in the end was Pube who manage both on and off field antics. He tackled both Spaghetti and Meatballs during the match and off it proudly strutted around the changing room in his bright pink underwear to secure the award.

Report: Frustration…… That was the name of the game for the 3s this week. The team were roused unreasonably early from their beds to head to a different county for a half 10 push back against Horley. Cheam had a very full squad present, and arrived before the opposition appeared. The sun was shinning and we thought that things might go our way. The match started brightly, with Cheam attacking well, and defending solidly, despite some great periods of play and constantly testing the Horley keeper, Cheam were unable to score in the first half.

The second half started much as the first did, but again Cheam could not find the net, despite having 5 short corners in a row (while their short corner taker was off the pitch I might add). An unlucky yellow card added to Cheam’s woes, as Donkeybum was sent to the naughty step for what he claimed was an unintentional elbow. The second half ended with a Horley flurry testing the mighty captain in goal, but the game ended goalless.

Special Mentions: Lovely start for new player Gary who had a great game and got a clean sheet to his name in defence.

A great defensive show from the new pairing of Evan and Dhiren at centre back.

Some lovely running from all the midfield this week with James G, Ross, Meatballs, Neil and Pube getting in on the act.

MotM was James G for the third time this season. His pace and skill made it so the opposition could barely touch him, I swear he is getting faster every week.

DotD was Doug, again. Poor Doug managed to turn up late and hung over, and during the match managed to tackle his own team mate. He must gain points both for commitment after he got himself from being fast asleep in Ealing to Horley early in the morning and for his photographic skills on the sideline, which are now proundly displayed in the websites photo gallery. However he decided to leave straight after the match and therefore was unable to defend himself at the vote, much to the 3s new enforcer’s (donkeybum) delight.

Report: The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men, gang aft agley.

Well not that awry, the plan was travel to Horley, get a bag of goals, eat, drink and be merry only 4 of those things happened.

Thursday 10th November, Cheam Men's 3s had a squad of 14 players and an umpire for a morning away game in Sussex. 2-0 Cheam.

Fast forward to Saturday 9.20am - Calling Doug to get a progress check as the club house meet time was 9.00am, to find that the phone call, has awoken him as he is still at Berlusconi's leaving do in Ealing....1-0 Cheam although DoDt has been bagged an hour before pushback.

10.15am all present and correct bar Doug and young Ross but a full squad none the less.

10.31am Observe a minutes silence for Remembrance Sunday, bar Ted who is on the sideline changing shirts...

10.50am Doug pulls in to the car park and changes in the full view of the pitch from the back of his car 0-0

And so the score remained, Cheam like anti- capitalists in St Pauls, we camped in their half with no breakthrough. On any other day Donkey might have had 3, but the Horley keeper managed to be in the right place at the right time, in the goal. The half time chat accompanied by orange slices, was simply more of the same, James G had run circles round the Horley midfield, young Ross and Neil had found a lot of space out on the wings. The defence of Ted, Dhiren, Sparky, Bevan, Levi and new recruit Garry had held firm. Doug was left with instructions of not to tackle his own team and to hit the middle ball of the three he seemed to be seeing.

Cheam continued the 2nd half as they had left the first, but still Cheam couldn't find a way through. A run of 5 successive short corners, didn't have Levi's secret hot sauce and the Horley net remained undisturbed. The first card of the Men's 3 season went to the most unlikely of candidates, Donkey Bum, who bless his innocent cott on socks, had no idea why such a card was shown, and to rub salt in to the wounds had to be informed that that a yellow in hockey means you have to go off. Despite only having 10 men, Cheam pushed for a goal that seemed inevitable, Horley started to counter punch but surgical tackles from Dhiren da Defenda and robust ones from Sparky, Ted and Bionic Bevan with his knees of steel, ensured that Cheam weren't sucker punched for a second week running. A very open second half could have ended badly for Cheam when the match clock showed 69minutes and 55seconds, Horley were gifted a 1 on 1 against the keeper only for it to be saved. So like washing your hands after going to the toilet, a good point.

Special thanks to Shaun the Sheep for umpiring and doing a lot of running (Joe and Omar take note!) Photos of this epic no score draw are now on the website.

Report: Remember remember the 5th of November when the Men's threes were robbed....

The Day started so well for Cheam, a full squad plus subs turned up for the game, the sun was shinning, an evening of pyromaniacy was ahead of us and Bodger was on fine vocal form cheering on the Women's 3s playing before us, “take it for a walk” echoed round the ground.

When the game started Cheam were not switched on, and after a number of Woking attacks they managed to get a goal from a well played short corner. Soon after Woking doubled their lead with a very weak goal due to a Cheam defending and goalkeeping error.

From then on out Cheam dominated the match, before half time a great run by Bender led to a calm Spaghetti goal. All through the second half Cheam controlled the game, with magical runs coming from Bender, James G, Ross and Meatballs. Even defenders were getting in on the act with Sparky and Dhiren occasionally charging up from centre back. However Cheam were never able to find the net despite most players getting close.

MotM was Bender after some tireless running all through the game, getting a great assist and even having a goal disallowed (much to his frustration).

DotD was Krish after letting in the second goal in. (Doug must be a happy man having avoided the Doug of the day award for the second consecutive week)

Report: Cheam turned up early to pitch side to play the old enemy Merton, there is no love lost between these sides and with cards and scraps-aplenty in the past. Cheam failed to switch on in the first 5 minutes of the game with Merton overrunning the Cheam D; however some solid defending and a goalkeeping wonder save from Krish keeping them at bay. It continued much the same with Merton controlling the game, however a Cheam counter attack hit down the left wing, leading Spaghetti to slip the ball to Subway for a goal much to Merton’s horror.

The second half started much happier for Cheam, with James G, Ross, Ian and Bender tearing up the opposition with their pace. This pressure led to a couple of Cheam short corners, the goal coming from the last one with Spaghetti picking a deflected shot and unselfishly passing across to Levi to put it into the bottom left.

The second goal led to another round of Merton pressure with the home team committing more men into the Cheam half. Again some stout Cheam defending and a second wonder save from Krish keeping Merton at bay. A Cheam counter was the death of Merton with a kick from Krish finding Spaghetti alone on half way line with only the Merton keeper and himself in the opposition’s half. Spaghetti calmly ran unopposed down the pitch and rounded the keeper for Cheam’s third.

The opposition finally got a goal toward the end of the game but and it was too little too late and an elated Cheam collected the win.

Special Mentions:
• Krish for some fantastic saves from Merton short corners, as well as getting an assist.
• New guy Ian for stepping in for his first Cheam game and play well.
• Ross for great counter attacking play, causing Merton huge problems with his pace and skill.
• James G for being a thorn in Merton’s side whenever he was on the ball with his pace and skill. (He narrowly pipped Ross to collect the MotM)
• Derry for umpiring (and taking no crap!).

DotD was Dan Bell who seemed to forget to sub himself on for the entire match!

Report: Cheam turned up to the fortress, supports in tow, ready to improve after a poor result the previous week. The match started well with Cheam moving the ball round and Sharpie got close with a couple of shots. After the initial spell of success the Spartans had much if the possession, often inside the Cheam half but solid defending kept them at bay.

The second half started much as the first did with Cheam in control. They soon went one up with Levi deflecting in Ted's short corner hit for a rare goal from the defender.  Before you knew it Levi put in an identical goal to the first one and Cheam we cruising. For the rest of the game Cheam were dominant and possibly should have got a couple more. However a lapse in concentration during a counter attack allowed Spartan's to get a consolation goal.

Special mentions to Ted for another great game, Phil and Evan who both played supremely well in defence and a thanks to Sharpie for stepping in for a game.

MotM was Levi for getting both the goals and making it so the team's left back is now joint top scorer. (watch out donkey!)

Report: The team arrived at the Riegate Priory ground with moments to spare. Bender had been held hostage by a train and Brian rocked up with seconds to spare. Falling out the various automobiles the men’s 3rd XI assembled pitch side with their returning captain/goalkeeper. In the sweltering sun positions were given, game plans were made and warm up begun. Shep was tricked into umpiring the game with promises of coke and hookers but these had already been consumed by Levi by the time he showed up.

As the first half played out Cheam fell apart, we failed to mark our men correctly and we didn’t work hard enough to win the ball back once we had lost it. It was a demoralising performance and punctuated by the 4-0 score at half time. The sandy pitch was slowing our passes and we were not playing to the best of our ability.

In the goal mouth Krish gave the team a stern halftime talking to and a slap on the back of the legs. Feeling fairly ashamed of our performance we vowed to pick up our game and return to the pitch a stronger side. The second half saw Cheam’s performance raise but not to a high enough level to score or secure a win. Tensions running high in the team we headed back to Reigate’s club house for tea’s and showers.

Back in the changing room it became apparent the playing field was not equal, Cheam were playing with a massive disadvantage. The athletic Adonis’ that make up the Men’s 3rd XI stripped off to reveal their handicap; enormous wedding tackle* that makes it impractical for the team to move with much real speed and hampers our ability to swing a stick on the astro. The Reigate Priorty men’s XI had the diminutive appendage of a Greek statue, enabling them to move at a brisker pace. (At one point the changing room door was opened by a strong gust of wind and the clubhouse barmaid’s eyes started to water at the sight of Cracker drying himself off.)

Pride restored to Cheam, we headed back to the bar to seduce their women and eat their chilli before returning home.

Honourable mentions:

Shower gel’s were provided by Donkeybum and Levi. Nobody got lost and nearly everyone needs to try harder next game. Have a cup of man up.

*This is a prerequisite to join Cheam Hockey Club. Natalie Malsom is Club secretary for measuring the appendages.

Report: This was the first game we played at the fortress this league and Krish was away drinking pina colada’s with the wife. Things could have gone badly, we could have forgotten to bring a keeper to the game or worse still someone could have accidently played Donkey in defence. Sparky rounded up a few extra players to complement our ramshackle mismatch we call a team. We had a goalie who was a tennis player and a ref with a bionic leg, what a sight we looked shuffling onto the pitch.

Whistles blown the action begun, Cheam settling into the game shortly and it was not long before Derry scored. Elation rippled across the spectator stand as our single fan started a Mexican wave which was interrupted by the oppo putting one into the back of our net. We huddled together at half time, developing cutting edge tactics and peppy team banter. We had a new plan, we were going to score another goal.

Back on the astro and our new plan begun to take shape with Derry scoring another goal, shortly followed by Spaghetti and Donkey. A comfortable lead established we settled into a defensive wall stopping everything that went even vaguely in the direction of our goal. Whistles blown and a final score of 4-1 we celebrated like all bad winners by rubbing it in the oppo’s face and eating loads of Cheam chilli.

Special mentions to Ted who played like a 2’s player and thanks to Brandi for umpiring the game. Thanks to Pest, Raf and Bender and Sparky who turned up to men’s social and didn’t vomit on anyone.

Shower review: Good showers, lack of water fountains in the changing rooms. Beverage vending machine only had peartiser and appletiser. Still the best ground in Surrey.

Report: Expectations of the team’s physical fitness after a summer of drinking and lethargy had been low, but thanks to a new coach and some fresh blood the overall level of hockey has been pretty high. We entered the game with guarded expectations of our ability. Epsom fielded a full team and a captain who is surprisingly quick for grey haired, fifty year old, 5ft tall chap.

The defensive line consisted of Krish in goal, back line of Phil, Levi, Cracker and Triss. Midfield was Spaghetti, James, Ted, Sparky and Bodger, with Donkey floating around the top half looking for goals.

We started well with Donkey scoring in the opening minutes of the game. Things looked good, the passes were fast and fluid making Epsom really work for the ball. In the next short corner Ted launched the ball in the direction of the goal and was assisted in scoring by an eager Epsom player who knocked it over the line with his leg.

Epsom scored their first goal shortly after Ted’s and then were awarded a short corner after Cracker took out a member of the opposition. Having been helped up from the astro the short-sighted fool attempted to push Cracker over, not the kind of behaviour we would stand for at Cheam. Instead of sending the fool off and reversing the decision, the short corner decision stood. Epsom took the short corner and scored from it before halftime was called.

Back on the pitch we composed ourselves and played a decent second half, quick short passes and moving the ball around the field. Sparky had a cracking defensive moment in the D, plucking the ball out the air, controlling it onto the astro and sending it rolling up the pitch. Epsom kept attacking and were finally rewarded with another short corner and scored their 3rd and the final goal of the game.

We deserved a draw and played well, if we keep the same level of composure we will do ourselves proud this season.

Final thoughts; Struggle is the father of all things. It is not the principles of humanity that man lives or is able to preserve himself above the animal world, but solely by means of the most brutal struggle. If you do not fight, life will never be won.