Cheam Mens 2nd XI

Report: They gave us a tough match before Christmas and we knew they'd give us a tough match this week.

They did.

But we still won 8-1. Two to go boys.

(How about that for Churchillian inspiration?)

(If you're talking about the Churchill dog and not Winston...)

Muppet - Who hasn't had it yet? Gillo. Who was late because he went out for a fry up and then nominated by his Mum? Gillo. Job done.

Champagne Moment - Numerous nearly moments today and a Coleman-Gaz-Coleman one two that would have won it most weeks by a mile, but this week for his outlandish taking on - and beating - of the entire Barnes back line and GK it's Dom's individual goal. Top draw and a Krug 1992.

Report: The Normandy Landings, also known as Operation Neptune, was the assault and amphibious operations of the Allied invasion of Normandy, France; part of Operation Overlord. D-Day for the operation, postponed 24 hours, became June 6, 1944. Over 1,000,000 personnel were involved, including 195,700 Allied naval and merchant navy personnel. Neptune took place along the Normandy coast where five invasion beaches were assaulted: Utah, Juno, Omaha, Sword and Gold.

The Woking Landings, also known as Operation Cheetah, was the assault and amphibious operations of the Allied invasion of Woking, Surrey; part of Operation Surrey Open Hockey League Division 5. D-Day for the operation, not postponed at all, became March 1st, 2008. Over 11 personnel were involved, including 12 Cheam Hockey Club personnel. Cheetah took place along the Woking bypass where five invasion beaches were assaulted: Utah, Juno, Omaha, Sword and Gold(sworth Park).

The invasion beach of Gold(sworth Park) was the site of the main battle with Woking's cunning and experienced warriors having recently beaten Old Georgians, and holding Kenley and Merton to draws in their sandy trenches, a tough battle was expected.

Operation Cheetah started well and the post of the Woking stronghold was rattled early but it wasn't until midway through the first half that Derry landed a killer blow. The attacks continued in earnest and it was all the Woking warriors could do to repel the hordes until the whistle blew for half time. Wise words from Field Marshal Charlotte and a slight reshuffle saw a much stronger second half with further goals from Derry (as cool and calm a finish as you could wish to see) and from Brandi, continuing his amazing goalscoring run.

The final whistle came and Woking conceded defeat to the better team. Goldsworth Park was ours!

There are harder battles to come but not many - Woking were strong opponents belieing their lowly league position and we thank them hugely for taking some points of Kenley! - three more battles, nine more points and the war is won.

Over and out.

Muppet of the match - Brandi got another nomination today for owning up to a foot in the D which cost the skipper his hat trick but we've seen him in the kit. It's getting to the time of year when nominations for muppet are getting more tenuous than ever before. This week, Daddy Cool, Sharpey got the nod for lack of commitment over the last two weeks. Let's just hope baby Sharpey's first memory isn't of his Daddy coming home in a dress.

Champagne moment - One of Woking's few short corners escaped the grasps of the runners and was switched back to the injector who flicked toward the empty net and prayed for the consolation goal. Unfortunately for the attacking team, the Gimp got his wooden banana in the way and cleared it away off the line. Another clean sheet ticked off and a Dom Perignon 1995 to enjoy in the changing room.

Report: Writing a match report a week and a half after the game happened often means that one can't really remember what went on. This is definitely the case here so let's just make something up.

Brilliant as ever, the men's 2s romped to an impressive and comfortable win againsty lowly Addiscombe who had defeated bogey team Old Georgians the week before and were therefore expected to put up a stiff challenge. Goals in the first half followed by more in the second half (after a momentary blip at the back - how did that happen?) saw another 3 points for the mighty Cheetahs and that silverware is getting ever closer... keep working boys!

Muppet of the match - the first rule of muppet club is there are no rules. The second rule of muppet club is that you do not talk about muppet club. The third rule of muppet club is if you're currently muppet and no-one has done anything stupid don't leave the muppet kit at the pitch when you go back to the club. Squealer completes a double.

Champagne Moment - the Llama takes a shot from the edge of the D. Standing directly behind him yours truly could see the ball start way outside the right hand post but as all and sundry looked on to watch the ball go harmlessly wide Derry's spin control came into play and curled it into the goal. A Bollinger 97 for the Spin Doctor

Report: Sanderstead have a page on their website entitled "teams we like to play". Cheam are not one of them, but it's difficult not to feel a little sorry for them as they keep coming up against us the week after we've lost and we keep battering them.

Before Christmas it was a display of total hockey that would have destroyed anyone and this week we were so quick out the blocks that the game was over before most spectators had taken their seats in the stand.

Four nil up at half time and eight by the time the declaration came but it could have been so many more (don't we always say that?) A more than solid performance with pace and skill in abundance but still a little bit to work on in turning all those chances into goals - it doesn't matter on weeks like this but it has cost us against the other top teams.

No complacency is the message from today then. Five games to go and if we win all five the silverware is coming to the Fortress thanks to Kenley's draw with Woking. It's back in our hands so let's give it 110% and keep it in our hands.

Oh, and maybe then we can set up a bit of our website called "teams we like to play" and put Sanderstead right at the top...


Muppet of the Match - Doesn't need much explaining this week. When, as a team, you do everything right, it only takes one teeny, weeny little thing to go wrong and you guarantee a nomination. This week the teeny, weeny little thing that went wrong was Squealer. How he managed to kick himself in the face during the warm up is beyond most of us but it goes down in Muppet folklore and he picked up the kit, resplendent in it's new Buzz Lightyear trolley bag.

Champagne Moment - A joint award this week for the motivational team talks that set us on our way. First up Squealer, redeemeing himself after the face kicking, who broke the silence in the huddle with a high pitched "Let's get into them" accompanied by exaggerated fist pump. Maybe you had to be there... Then, in the seconds before the first whistle, the Sanderstead cry of "Switch on!" was bellowed across the fortress. A split second later a voice from the back of the Cheam formation implored the Cheetahs to "Switch on more!"

The result? 2-0 up after 3 minutes and a Bollinger 1997 for some Churchillian inspiration.

Report: Perhaps fifteen shots on target for us and, at most, six for them. Three goals for them before we squeezed one past an inform keeper. That was pretty much the story of the game. A bit rusty after last week's cancelled match? May be. A few things still to work on then guys. At least it was a nice day for it.

Muppet of the Match: Over the seasons nicknames have been bestowed on us all. Some have been random, many deserved, and some get reinforced every time there is the slightest sight of the tiniest lock of silver hair, but before today, none have been actually branded on the recipient’s backside! However, that changed when James (a.k.a. Nobby and now Brandi) explained exactly why he was in a tad of discomfort. It turns out that the consequence for loosing a ‘sure-thing’ bet to a Welshman about last week’s rugby game was a red hot potato masher and Brandi’s anatomy came into contact to leave a mark that will forever remind him of the day England threw away an unassailable lead. Despite some other highly muppetable performances this week Brandi topped the bill and won the award. And if you’re interested it was a nasty burn, don’t try this at home kids, it would have hurt like hell.

Champagne Moment: This week the coveted Happy Shopper Sham-pain award was won by Mustard for not getting lost on the way to the ground even though he had Gaz in the car with him. Well done fella!

Report: Well, what an eventful afternoon we all had down the road at Tooting and Mitcham Football ground. Everything seemed to go as straight as the sidelines on the pitch. League positions suggested this would be a tight one and it didn’t disappoint in that regard, but as we two teams proved fairly evenly matched we cancelled out much of each other’s beautiful hockey, and both had to dig deep and fight for the game. For the first ten the Cheetahs ran the roost (just), despite a boisterous start from the Merton attack. A short corner goal from the Nobster was the reward, but a drop in intensity let Merton back into the game and the pressure was on. A single Merton goal was the only first half blemish on the Cheetah’s 3G defence (Gillo, Gerry and the Gimp) that probably put in its best performance of the season. Half time talk by Scanners consisted of a single golden nugget of an observation – “you! ’re better than them” he said, and you know what, he was right. So we set about proving it in the second half. Another shortie goal from Nobby and numerous chances saved by a keeper who was playing a blinder gave us the lead and the upper hand, but then a single defensive slip up was punished by an equaliser. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. As another dreary draw on that wobbly lined pitch beckoned, up popped the Nobster for one last hurrah. He drives into the D and lets loose a thunder bolt to wrestle the lead back – then celebrates by lifting his shirt over his head (this is not football, you know) and realises you can’t see when you do that and nearly takes out three players in the process. For a short period then we were down to 9 players but the lesson learnt today was if we keep the ball the opposition can’t score, and keeping to this philosophy this game, that seemed to last an eternity, eventually came to a close.

By the way, was it someone’s birthday, or was someone a month late for Christmas because there were a lot of cards delivered today. It’s not valentines yet is it? If it is there wasn’t a whole lot of love in these cards. Greens for Gerry (not moving foot when ball was hit at it); Rob (not buying the guy a drink before a close encounter from behind – but the other guy got a yellow for kicking our Flasher up the arse); Ed & Gillo (tackling from behind too often). Yellows for Didier (elbows and a laugh); Rob (don’t know, we couldn’t work it out, but it seemed to be for being fouled while in possession of the ball); and James (again, we have no idea, scoring too many goals perhaps). You have to laugh about this because in no way is this a true reflection of the game.

Scanners and Veedle, thanks for coaching tips (especially as this was Oz day and you probably were hoping to be getting drunk someone else), and Frazzle thanks for umping in rather unusual circumstances.

Muppet of the Match: Close run thing this week. After intense lobbing (that stated at last Tuesday’s training session) and the usual pressure vote the Muppet award was tied between two worthy combatants both on five votes each. So to break the deadlock it seemed fair to get the opposition involved. And with no hesitation they picked on QT with Cheese for his attempt to put his foot down and insist he was going to be available for last week’s game.
Muppet attire to date: hat, tea cosy, glasses (missing), drinking goggles (broken), dress, waist coat, rubber ring, furry glove, rubber glove, tail, dog, skirt, and bum-bag. Have I forgotten anything?

Champagne Moment: Their were two Happy Shopper Sham-pain moments that lead to the Cheetahs being two men down, but they are not as worthy a mention as the 5 minutes that followed when we played 9 against 11 (or was it 12). For those 5 minutes we held 85% of the possession, and created more chances (although with no one in place to put them away) than our full strength opposition. Lads, this was an awesome passage of play. The very best Krug 1992 Award for us all.

Report: Not the prettiest hockey in the world but the Cheam Juggernaut came out to play today and proved absolutely unstoppable as it rumbled it’s destructive way through a crushing victory. It was the Badger who unleashed the beast when early in the match he spun to net a neatly taken goal, and as his traditional high pitched celebrations died down the sound of the mighty monster beginning to stir could just be heard. Only a short while later the Badger was there again but this time the Cheam Juggernaut was beginning to pick up speed and his second was not quite so neat (but just as affective). Then, by the time the short corner was slipped to the Llama the deadly Cheam machine was firing at full speed and there was nothing delicate about the shot that followed.

For the rest of the game the Cheam machine ran rampant through the match. Even some Mustard inspired showboating by everyone couldn’t slow it down. Two more goals from the Llama and two from the Nobster (are those short corners beginning to work? Just how many options do we have now?) completed an unexpected rout against an O.K. team that could have struck back at any time, but, perhaps for a general imbalance in the “rub-of-the-green”, never did.

Thanks to Athers for touch line coaching and Bob for a tricky one to umpire.

Muppet of the Match: Given that the latest addition to the Muppet disguise was a size 10 dress this weeks award has been a most eagerly anticipated event and has put all on their best behaviour in order to avoid it. All, that is except Derry who after slotting home his 30th goal of the season (how many bottles do you owe him now Craigy?) celebrates by aeroplaning down the touch line high-fiving the admiring crowd as he goes. Well, Wing Commander Llama, that was more than enough to put you in that dress, which, by all accounts, just about fitted from shoulder to waist by had no chance of making it any further.

Champagne Moment: It was a touch of the finest finesse that got this juggernaut rolling. Having driven into the D the Badger was turned by the defence. With back to goal he pushes the ball across to the right, spins faster that lightning and deftly tucks the ball just inside the post and away from the totally wrong-footed keeper. Exquisite. Break out the Dom Perignon 1995 once again.

Report: It was dark, cold and late when the Cheetah’s – an animal more used to doing it’s hunting in the warm sunshine of the African savannah – squared up to the red lions of Sunbury. But in contradiction to the normal rules of engagement in the animal kingdom it was the speed and agility of the Cheetah that overcame the normal advantages of power and strength held by the lion.

Once the Llama had started us off with a couple of goals the Cheam Machine settled back into cruise control and let the game flow. Chances were hewn from relentless pressure in defence by everyone that meant the ball was turned back from the dark side long before any damage could be done, and then expansive passing left and right meant that goals were there to be had. Had we found our goal scoring killer instinct it would have been carnage, but 8 was plenty against Sunbury who always offer a warm welcome in their club house and a cracking plate of food.

Many thanks to Athers for running the line and ringing the changes throughout the squad, but I’ve got to wonder about using Big Phil’s blistering pace up the Left wing! Also much appreciated travelling support from the 3 Cs – Coach, Catriona, and Caroline.

Muppet of the Match: No one said the award of the Muppet of the Match had to be fair! Officially QT picked up his second Muppet of the season for sneaking off to umpire for another club and therefore being late for that all important warm up and motivational team talk that has become an intricate part of the 2s routine. Unofficially it was due to an unspoken collective decision that it was just his turn again, despite there being possibly more worthy causes – like Sergeant Swear Pig for the heinous crime of not wearing the Muppet gear to his match. (However even the Muppet committee couldn’t bring themselves to Muppet someone who was already suffering the ignominy of being demoted to the 1s for the second time.)

Champagne Moment: The perfect start to the second half. Less than a minute from the whistle the ball was worked back to the right. Five quick passes later it was up the right wing into the D and neatly slipped to James to slot home perhaps the slickest goal we’ve ever scored. An inspirational moment well worth a Dom Perignon 1995.

Report: You would have thought that after the highly calorific diet the Cheetahs had dedicated themselves too over the mid-season break there would have been no shortage of energy, vitality and wellbeing on display. But no, to our surprise this was not entirely the case in the first half! Instead there was what could only be described as a slight sluggishness, tinged with a liberal application of rustiness. Fortunately, we found ourselves scoring a couple of crackers to compensate for playing a bit below par and by half time those flakes of rust were falling off all over the field. In the second half the effects of the high calorie diet kicked in as the tempo of the match stepped up. Two more goals in quick succession were enough for this day and by the end evidence of that well-oiled hockey machine lying under the rusty façade was clear to see. Training starts again on Tuesday fellas!

Thanks to Aaron for tooting the whistle.

Muppet of the Match: The English are a reserved lot by nature. Not comfortable when openly expressing their emotions. Therefore, caught in the dilemma of weather or not to offer a good luck kiss to girlfriend and super travelling supporter Niamh while in view of the team, Sergeant Swamp Pig made the rather odd decision to salute instead. However, this was perhaps for the best as there had been some doubt over whether the bleach had fully removed the super tactile browning hand balm that had been applied in the Sergeant’s new pre-match ritual.

Muppet attire to date: Hat, tea cosy, shades, drinking goggles – broken (Phil is prime suspect), rubber ring, waistcoat, rubber glove, green furry ‘glove’, tail, and dog.

Champagne Moment: Two short corner routines in one. First up the direct approach: ball to the Banana Gimp who blasted a short – but it gets deflected off advancing defender’s stick and foot thus turning it into the perfect square left-side slip pass where the Llama coolly smashed home the goal as if it was meant all along. That’s got to be worth a Moet & Chandon at least.

Report: With 5 of last weeks side taken to the shore up a shaky first team who’d been haemorrhaging player all week, and with the Banana Gimp and Didier out injured this was not the regular squad we’d set out with at the beginning of the season. None the less, we set about a few simple drills to warm up and showed just how rusty we were. But amazingly, because it was so useless it seemed to purge us of all our bad habits and therefore, as the game kicked off this makeshift Cheetah side gelled with surprising ease and set about some good spells of hockey. Having no subs and carrying a few injuries eventually took it’s toll on the performance but not until three awesome goals had kept us one step ahead for most of the game. (Actually make that two awesome goals and one that Aaron hacked in like a lumberjack chopping down a tree, but none the less effective). Any hoo, this was a fun and pulsating game! that in the end was anyone’s to win and a draw seemed just about right. And finishing it off with some handsome home made lasagne seemed just the way to bring the first half of the season to a close. Have a Happy Christmas all but don’t forget to fit in a few fitness drills between those mince pies! It all starts again on the 5th.

Many thanks to Tiff for umpiring and especially for carding the Llama who knows he deserved it despite what he may say! Anyway, handing out cards at Christmas is tradition.

Muppet of the Match: Is it possible for a Muppet to be awarded to someone not even present? Well, apparently yes! Fortunately the Muppet wardrobe has become famous enough for it to be recognised by the bar staff and rescued from the trash (which it is generally) after it had been ‘mislaid’ at the Club last week. Naturally the Muppet must therefore revisit the Banana Gimp (who we still haven’t seen wear it by the way).

Champagne Moment: A attack breaks down but the Mantle sticks in an immediate challenge and the ball squirts out to the Llama who’s quick onto the reverse stick and the ball sears into the backboard. Awarded a Bollinger 1997.

Report: As it proved, there were a few mountains that we made into molehills today but as the break in the weather blessed us with the best the day was going to offer the Cheetah’s set about conquering the elements and conditions of the match. On perhaps the only pitch laid to a slope we set off up hill and into the wind for the first half. Although this was not apparent at the time it had more of an effect on the course of events than the more obvious issues we seemed to be facing. A single Llama goal and a brilliant Frosty save separated the combatants at the half in what was a close fought first period. But, with a dropping wind and the down slope to assist in the second half the mighty 2’s rolled into top gear for a devastating 10 minute spell. First the Badger unearthed a goal from close quarters, picking up his own rebound off the keeper’s pads. Then, as it proved, James was the only one to ! see the light for as everyone else was screaming for him to pass, he ploughed on to strike the second and take the game away from Barnes. Three goals up, the now confident Cheetahs started to play the possession hockey we know we can. The tackling rate was high and the passing crisp. To round things off with a bang the Bandit did what he’d been threatening to do all game. Stealing the ball in midfield with that one-handed tackle only he can do he drives (one handed of course) to the D before breaking the backboard with a pile-driver of a shot that I can still hear echoing across south London. 4-0 flattered the away team slightly. Barnes showed skill so this was a good result, won by total effort at every position.

Thanks to Frazzle for umpiring and to the travelling supporters of Niamh, Sparkles and Shagger.

Muppet of the Match: Officially the Muppet was awarded for the absence of a late licence for our Christmas party, but unofficially there was a collective realisation that the funniest thing we haven’t seen yet this season is the Banana Gimp in the Muppet gear. So he was stitched up with it while he wasn’t looking. What better reason can there be?

Champagne Moment: An individual goal beyond comparison. Picking the ball up on the 25 the Mantle drives forward to the left. With no way through and loads of people to pass to he turns and loops back around the front of the D to the right before letting loose a thunder cracker of the shot into the left corner of the goal. Not only a moment of magic, but given the balance of the game it proved a match winner. James is awarded a Dom Perignon 1995.

Report: Something of a new experience this week. Rather than the liberal sprinkling of Cheetah style and flair, this was a game of attrition and a result (a good one at that) made of relentless grind and determination. It’s good to know we can do it this way, but flair and style is what it’s really about. Dogged defending by Woking was eventually undone twice by Didier and again by QT in the first half, and that was enough to take the win. From then on we battled mostly against ourselves as we pushed tighter and tighter into the attacking third of the field – tripping over each other in the avalanches of attacks that proved the pattern of the match. A good win born from boldness and tenacious tackling. We’ve set the bar high, but let’s push it higher.

Muppet of the Match: Following on from scoring perhaps our best goal of the season last week the Swear Pig hit another extreme with definitely the worst back pass of the season so far. Officially it was this glorious back pass that left the Woking striker 1 on 1 with Frosty that won S-P the Muppet, but in reality it was his destiny as he’d already acquired the next item of Muppet attire before he even knew he’d won it. Who are we to stand in the way of destiny.

Champagne Moment: Having been left with an impossible 1 on 1 with the Woking striker Frosty made no mistake of taking the ball clean out from under the advancing player, and still have the presence of mind to carefully positions the fall out of bodies to block the follow up shot. (You just had to be there to understand!!). For making the impossible possible (and saving Swear Pig’s blushes) Frosty gets the Bollinger 1997 award.

Report: Not exactly our slowest of starts, but also not our quickest. Addiscombe on the other hand were out of the blocks like lightning and on balance deserved to take their 1-0 lead. However, as that very same balance started to shift it was also fair that Didier nipped in only minutes later to square things up and allow the Cheetahs to start again. The game looked poised for a few more minutes then we hit a purple patch (it’s an odd saying that one) for the 15 minutes before half time and smashed 3 more exquisite goals to win the game right there. At half time and a 3-goal advantage the message was do more of the same and despite a few experimental substitution rotations that was the order of the second half, but only 2 more goals.

Julio and Oli both chose today to hit their first of many goals for the 2s. But today’s must-have fashion statement was clearly to get hit by the ball. Going high Addiscombe started the trend with one to the head at their first short corner. Then, going low, Subbuteo copped a hard one on the knee. And finally, with just seconds to go, Gillo splits the difference and collects a nasty one in the middle where you really don’t want them to go.

Muppet of the Match: There was some debate about this. Which of our young guns do we stitch up as the Muppet this week. Could it be Hoolz for struggling to remember that hockey is usually played wearing shorts (and shin pads), or would it be Squealer for sharing the surprising revelation that shark tastes a bit like fish. But in the end the Muppet was retained by Subbuteo for breaking an as yet unpublished guideline and failing to bring the Muppet uniform to the game.

Champagne Moment: Is it possible we are listening during training? This was a classic teamwork goal. Ball started on our back right. Crossed into the midfield then back out the right. Simple passing finds Swear Pig on the 25 who pushes a pass to Julio on the top of the D. The deftest of passes gives the ball back square to Sweary who, cool as you like, slots it wide of the keeper and into the bottom corner. Magic. Awarded a Bollinger 1997.

Report: Barnstormingly brilliant – what more can I say…

… other than many thanks to Athers for guiding the best from the best from the sidelines (very much appreciated mate). Also well done and thanks to Julio (Slippy) for stepping up and proving he can mix it with the 2s despite having feet that were just too quick for the slippery pitch. And thanks to Veedle for a perfect job with the whistle even while suffering from sleep depravation.

Finally thanks to Sanderstead for a tough but good-natured match – and great teas as always.



Muppet of the Match: Scoring a goal is an awesome experience (or so they tell me). Celebrations vary, but usually don’t extend to failing to notice Big Phil and running straight into him on your lap of honour (or was it an attempt at a high-5 but finding it just too far to reach?). Definitely the funniest thing all game and worth the Muppet this week – and didn’t Subbuteo look good in the addition of blue shades that now go with the hat, glove-thing, rubber ring, and fetching waistcoat.

Champagne Moment: Last Tuesday’s short corner practice was pretty poor. No matter how many times we tried it nothing seemed to work. But today everything clicked and Dom’s goal came from a perfectly executed routine that made it look like we’d been doing it for years. So for the deftest of touches a Bollinger ’97 award to Dom.

Report: After the match I had to go and look this up in a book. It seems that playing the better hockey, making all the plays, holding most of the possession and doing most of the shouting doesn’t mean you win the match. Apparently you have to score more goals that the other team. And, when I asked a maths teacher, it turns out that 3 is more that 2, so that means we didn’t win!

Two bobbly, bouncy goals in the first half were eventually counted by an exquisite deflection by Didier, and a master blaster by the Llama, but with only minutes to go insufficient tackling left a bit too much space at the top of the D and that was that.

Commitment, good. Performance, good (perhaps a little over exuberant at times). Speed, good. Potential, outstanding. Thinking caps on boys and back to basics. It’s time to get the Cheetah back on track.

Muppet of the Match: Most sportsmen will have a basic understanding of anatomy. Most, but not all, apparently. It wouldn’t seem logical to most to buy an ankle support if you have a sore knee. And it would seem equally unlikely to wear an ankle support on your knee. But if you have trouble telling the two apart perhaps it’s understandable. It’s definitely Muppetable! Dom looked good in the Muppet attire, which now consists of hat, glove-thing, rubber ring, and fetching waistcoat.

Champagne Moment: A Happy Shopper Sham-Pain award for the Banana Gimp for booing and giving the ladies opposition such grief during the game before ours that some of the Mid Surrey ladies stayed on to support Old Georgians and sing rude songs at BG. Hilarious

Report: First half – three preventable goals to them and none to us. One p-flick saved. The Cheetahs were there in body and nearly there in spirit, but the two just didn’t quite fly together.

Second half – much improved. Definitely on top even though we were carrying too many injuries, lots more chances and a goal, but just too few between the posts and under the cross bar.

The title of this week’s half time lesson was on why “Winner’s are different”. We found out why just a little too late. See you at training.


Muppet of the Match: It’s not that he covertly tipped off Coach that the normal 2’s warm up was about as useful as a fart in a spacesuit. Nor that this may have contributed to the punishing fitness drills last Tuesday (and no doubt next Tuesday after this goes to press). No, it was the demand that a Court of Appeal be assembled to contest the crediting of his new (and first) club nickname – Squealer – that wins him the Muppet prize this week. Just so you know, the dictionary defines a “Kangaroo Court” as “any crudely or irregularly operated court, especially one so controlled as to render a fair trial impossible”. Shall we proceed Craig?

Report: As the stricken Apollo 13 circles close to the moon Tom Hanks turns to Bill Paxton and Kevin Bacon and asked “Gentlemen, what are your intentions?” as they look out and dream about stepping onto the lunar surface. Well, this morning we had our own Apollo 13 moment when Athers spotted the warning signs of a team in a dream and stepped into his Uncle Tom Hanks shoes to ask what we intended from this season. And like in the movie, the dreaming stopped and the hard work began, and, boy, did it pay off! Five goals, three penalty flicks, umpteen well worked scoring chances and an energy the grew no matter how tired we became, it was indeed a performance genuinely of another planet.

Three Penalty Flicks?!! Yes, three – like London busses, you wait all season and three turn up at once. Derry got things off the right way by netting the first (high and to the right). The next was Merton’s but Frosty had it covered with an outstanding save. Then up stepped Athers (no longer as Tom Hanks because there are no penalties in the movie) and take the only option left and hits the post. But this wasn’t a game of penalties. It was much better than that.

So, how did the movie end? With 2 Oscars and 10 other awards it ended pretty well. And because it was American every one ended up cheering.

After Apollo 13 Tom Hanks went on the make Toy Story, so next week I guess it’s “to infinity and beyond”.

Muppet of the Match: As the green card wafted through the air Swamp Pig acquired yet another name. Welcome the Swear Pig. Does he have as many personalities as he does names we ask? In line with this season’s tradition S.P. added one more item of MotM attire, and we trust he wore it all day. (Attire so far: Hat & boggy glove)

Champagne Moment: The P-spot is only 6.4 meters from the goal line. In the time it took the ball to hurtle that short distance Frosty had plotted its course, assessed the speed and leapt into its way. Hands, body and stick all behind the ball. No way through. Outstanding. Our highest award – a Krug 1992

Report: As the team spirit grows so does the ability, confidence and down right sexiness of the hockey. A new ground and new opposition (something we’ll get used to this season) were not enough to put the Cheetahs out of their stride. Neither was Ather’s dodgy thumb or the Bandit’s smashed kneecap. After some nervous opening exchanges and once we had gauged the speed of the rather slow pitch, the first half belonged to the Derry Llama. Running off his left wing big D sliced open OK’s defence to open the scoring. He was gifted the second when the most bizarre 16 hit out was raised into a defender and dropped at Derry’s feet to be hammered home. I can’t remember the third, but the first half hat trick proved only just enough to keep the lead at half time as OK’s fought back with two goals of their own.

A reorganised Cheam rocked the second half. With probably 75% of the possession and territory the Cheetahs stretched the lead with a master-blaster goal from Dom, Derry’s fourth and sweet running strike from Ernie. JK was awesome, controlling the D with exquisite timing, and was only beaten when a short corner came off the post and was helped into the goal by the back of Phil’s leg.

Each week the 2s are getting better. Next week we will be better still. Just how good are we going to get?

Muppet of the Match: Stoked by his awesome performance in the match and no doubt still reeling from the injustices he shared with us throughout the second half, the Swamp Pig gave directions for the 2 minute journey from the pitch to the Greyhound pub … setting off in completely the opposite direction. The Muppet hat was his right there.

Champagne Moment: there were a few team efforts to contend for the Champagne moment this week, but it was a blistering strike for our fourth goal that takes the biscuit. As the ball rebounds from the first attempt it reached Dom at roughly knee height. With a swing that Kevin Pieterson would have been proud of the ball come out of the meat of the stick like a missile and buries itself in the back corner of the net. No one moved. The game was won there and then.

Report: And into uncharted seas we sailed, the crew of the good ship Cheam Cheetahs 2 set sail on their Division 5 adventure buoyed by recent wins, a few new shipmates (none of whom were Shanghaied), and sporting a leaner meaner formation. If there were apprehensions or nerves among the intrepid crew they didn’t show and as the mooring lines slipped from the docks and the harbour disappeared from view we cut a tight line into the wind and attacked like there was no tomorrow.

So, did this new set up and strategy work, you ask? You bet it did. There were players to pass to, there was running off the ball, there was width and there was strength. It would be over critical to say there was not perhaps enough calling at times, so I won’t say it. Above all there was dominance. And eventually there were goals. Little Tom is beginning to carve out a Subutteo sized groove up front and it was he who opened the Cheetahs account with a deft touch to poach a goal. The Bandit made it two when he blasted a hole through the keeper from a penalty corner and that was about that for the first half. In the second half Tom was again in on the action as he slipped a very well disguised “pass” through to Derry to slot home the third, and then wee Ernie, saving the best ‘til last, took a quick chance to smash in the forth from the right of the D.

The defence had a few things to do but the reunion of midfield maestro’s Coleman, Dom and Ollie kept trouble at bay for most of the afternoon.

All in all a perfect maiden voyage into the unknown. Now we know we can stand tall and be counted in this league and the next. We sail again next Saturday.

Champagne Moment: The Banana Gimp saves the day. The only choppy waters encountered were during a penalty corner. Some how the ball evaded the rampaging Bandit and pinged around a bit, also evading the ever alert Frosty until the shot came in from the back door. But then, as disaster seemed almost certain to strike that caped crusader the Banana Gimp leaped into action, stretching full length (and let face it that’s a very long way when BG is stretching) to deftly deflect the shot from the goal line and preserve that big fat zero on the score sheet. Awarded a Moet & Chandon.

Report: There were two games played in one today – great skills and old skills. The Teddy boys pushed us hard on a hot day but, to be fair, we never really lost control of the match. We all knew how this game was to be won (slick hockey), but the old killer ball approach proved too hard to completely overcome. So for short periods we couldn’t resist whacking the ball up field dreaming that it would miraculously find a divine route through the assembled defenders to a team mate, only to find it intercepted and returned with interest and a gaggle of attackers to boot. Then, as if seeing the light and touched by the finger of a hockey spirit, we changed to the short triangular passes that sliced open the midfield and find a winger only too happy to drive and slip a simple pass into the danger zone. We used these skills so fluently at times that it looked natural and, as it was backed up with upbeat and! ear-splitting vocals we became the well-oiled machine our coach would like us to be. Unfortunately, the old hit-it-and-hope option kept creeping back (it’s good to remember old times), but the new order was never far away and those incisive agile breaks were a joy to behold. Good fitness shown today lads - we were the last to tire out.

Report: I don’t know if you realised it, but we took training ground practice into a competitive match this week and just look what happened. An avalanche of awesome goals. It’s a good job neither Charlotte nor Keith were there or they’d think we’ve been listening, or something. They’d have been so proud. It was the simple stuff that worked the best, and, yes, it was the most simple amongst us that profited most.

A couple of thoughts …
Ruthlessness. James brought it up at half time and we should remember the word. It tuned 4 goals in the first half into 9 in the second. It will help in those tight matches that are still to come.

6 goals to the captain! And so early in the season! The Llama will be insufferable for a week! Didier, if you’re reading this get back soon, he’s getting a head start on you mate.

Frosty, sorry mate you had absolutely nothing to do in the first half then we let one through when you weren’t looking. At least it was sunny!

Some sparkling runs and a goal on debut – well played and welcome to the Badger.

And last, but by no means least, the youngsters – Tom and Craig – did far more than hold their own this week. Between you both we controlled of the left side of the pitch. Great skills, well played.

Muppet of the Match: There were almost as many classic misses as there were goals. Sorry Rich, but yours was the best (worst). Open goal (the keeper was nowhere) and RC receives the ball no more than 6 feet from the goal line. So where does the shot go? Over the cross bar. You just couldn’t do it if you tried. It takes a special skill.

Champagne Moment: Oh Wow! So much to choose from – including a few Happy Shopper Sham-pain moments – but one goal stood out as this week’s CM. It couldn’t have been better executed. From defence the ball moves out left. Craig beats a player and crosses to the mid field. Coleman takes the ball up to the 25, hears the shout, turns and fires a square pass to Ed on the right. Ed and Stu swap passes and drive the line ready for Tom to call “p-spot” and time an exquisite run across from the left wing. The cross is crisp and Tom’s to sweep connects cleanly. The ball whizzes past the keeper’s ears. Unstoppable. Brilliant.

Report: In Maori mythology Rangi – the sky – and Papa – the earth – embraced each other so tightly that the people of the world could not break free. At last the children of the world, worn out by the continued darkness, consulted among themselves, and fierce Tu-matauenga said, “It is well, let us slay them”, but Tane-mahuta, father of the forests and all things that inhibit them, advised otherwise. “It is better to rend them apart”, he said, “and let the heavens stand far above us, and the earth lie under our feet. Let the sky become a stranger to us, but the earth remain close.” Several of the brothers vainly tried to rend apart the heavens and the earth. At last it was only by working together that they allowed Tane-mahuta himself who succeeded in this titanic task. He placed his head on Papa and feet on Rangi, then strained his back and limbs with mighty effort. Slowly but surely the sky and earth parted and the people of the world had space to move into. Rangi, however had the storm god Tawhiri-ma-tea on his side and they fought these rebellious brothers. Tawhiri-ma-tea sent forth fierce whirlwinds, thunderstorms, and hurricanes. He uprooted trees in the forest, levelled the open grounds and lashed shores with surging waves. Only Tu-matauenga, the god of fierce human beings withstood the storm god’s onslaught. Since Tu-matauenga could not vanquish the storm god ‘by eating him as his food’, he left him as an enemy of man on land and sea and battles with him to this day.

Perhaps you will find many parallels here with today’s game. Or, perhaps not.

A new season starts. Bring it on!

Muppet of the Match: Athers for pulling a muscle in his right buttock by putting his shoes on. (Don't ask how, you really don't want to know)

Champagne Moment: Athers for the best half time rant we've ever had. We won the second half. It worked.