Cheam Mens 1st XI

A 1st XI stalwart, Stumps is famed for his cat-like agility between the posts. Getting on a bit, Stumps’ main claim to fame is single handedly consuming an entire KFC Family Feast…including whole Vienetta.

After spending the close season in a behavioural unit, Mad Dog is calmer and Yoda-like in his tranquillity. The team estimates it will last a couple of weeks, tops. Famed for his one-on-one finishing ability, Mad Dog has played up front and at the back across the seasons. A regular player since his Colts days, his proximity to Cheam is very handy when his captain has had too much to consume in Wimbledon…

Famed for the infamous potato masher incident that left him forever marked, Brandi is the social consigliere of the team. A yearly contestant for the Mantle-Hutson Cup, awarded to the top scorer in the relationship over the course of the season – the race is on! Brandi suffers from a ‘gammy leg’ and has been devastated to learn that he is no longer the only member of the team with a knee brace, and is considering wearing assless chaps to matches in a further cry for attention.

An early front-runner for this season’s overall ‘Dotd’, having picked up the award in 2 of the 3 weeks it’s been running so far. Little Tom has earned his place in the side with some impressive performances over the last 2 seasons. What he lacks in common sense he makes up for in… something…Little Tom has a penchant for dressing up as a giant frog and being picked up by the police.

One of two sets of siblings in the team, Glee Club is almost unrecognisable from his daring, good looking, charming and charismatic younger brother. They are absolutely poles apart. Glee Club is a committed family man, who likes long walks, warm nights and snuggles by the fireplace.

The paceman of the team, Drama is reknowned for his perfectly timed tackling, aversion to diving in and for his love of amateur dramatics. Known as a previously world ranked flair bartender, eager kite surfer and general maniac, this fella can hit a ball. HARD. The only man I know with both his nipples pierced, he is currently single.

Frazzle’s ‘eccentricities’ continue to confound his team mates, who cannot quite believe he is a lawyer who people actually RELY on to keep them out of jail. Known for his hilarious match reports and feigning injuries, psychiatrists have recently diagnosed him as suffering from ‘Jimmy Rayner’ syndrome. Allegedly the youngest Briton ever to walk across the Gobi desert, but he doesn’t stop going on about it.

Last season’s 1st XI player of the season, the big man is back and rock solid in defence. Sometimes described as an irresistible force, more often as an immovable object, Baby’s two major passions are Strictly Come Dancing and Neighbours, and so he has been on an emotional high this season with the news that Holly Valance has crossed that divide. He suffered great personal tragedy when Harold left. He does not like Home & Away.

Freakishly long limbs and a tiny, tiny torso, Bandit has the Inspector Gadget like ability to tackle opponents who are about 40 yards away. Impossibly fast and with a bullet of a shot, the Bandit is in the midst of one final big season (hurrah!) before his emigration to Australia (boo!) with his wife, who might as well be from New Zealand…

Captain of the side, famed throughout the land for his top left hand corner bullet drag flicks. Searing pace, stunning dribbling ability, the man has it all. Nominated for the prestigious ‘Man of the Year – Dwarf category’ and losing out by the slimmest of margins to Danny Devito, Shags is feeling confident about the season ahead.

Vice captain of the team, who suffered a disastrous start to the season by attempting to give himself the nickname ‘Vin Diesel’. The Dim Weasel is a midfield general famed for his social habits. In a forlorn attempt to get fit, the Dim Weasel attempted to keep a food diary last pre-season, the results of which will go down in Cheam legend. A sample daily entry – ‘half slice toast, bacon sandwich, 2 Ben & Jerry’s Ice Creams, 8 Coronas, 4 Sakibombs, 3 Jegerbombs’.

Instantly recognisable by the baseball cap or the electronic tag, ASBO has recently become a father! WHO’S YOUR DADDY? Chances are it’s ASBO. His main contributions to the team include increasing the South African contingent (currently at an impressive 4 players) and helping us to fulfil new league rules which require teams to wear a minimum of two knee braces per side. ASBO is a constant reminder that you should never leave your valuables in the changing rooms.

The man who previously had no nickname acquired his for reasons that cannot be disclosed on a family show. BJ is breaking into the 1st XI (yay!) just before heading off for a year (ish) travelling (boo!) Often compared to Justin Bieber, it is as yet unclear if that is due to (1) looks, (2) musical talent or (3) annoyance value.

The hairless wonder is firmly establishing himself in the 1st XI after doing his time in the 2s on joining the club last year. His bronzed good looks and boyish charm make him a prime target for BJ and Drama’s romantic attentions. Known to hang around with Little Tom, which is generally a bad sign…