Report: Cheam travelled away to Leatherhead for their penultimate friendly before the start of the new season. And the venue? Liverpool have “The Kop”, Cheam have “Fortress Nonsuch”, and Leatherhead have “The Cesspit”.
Our heroes began the game nicely, with some calm, confident passing play in midfield. However, one spectator – who knows the Cheam game all too well – remarked that Cheam would soon descend into “bloody dribbling again”. This clairvoyant, who wishes only to be identified as “Zippy”, was ultimately correct. The neat passing play would however last for the entire first half.
5 minutes in, Matt Scanlon scored with a crisp strike from the top right of the ‘D’.
Shortly after the goal, a Leatherhead defender played a lifted ball towards Keith Boyce’s hand, undoubtedly knowing its proneness to inflation. The crowd gasped, but Boyce managed to avoid the catastrophe with quick evasive action. Reportedly, he was heard muttering, “not this time, Nancy Boy”.
The second goal came from James “Tiger” Tebbs. Keith Boyce struck the initial shot and Tebbs cashed in on the rebound, putting a reverse sweep into the bottom right hand corner. Gareth Lautenberg initially attempted to claim the goal, alleging that he pushed Tebbs’ stick to make the strike (or some jibber jabber). A local man, who has been watching hockey for over 50 years, dismissed Lautenberg's claims as “pathetic” and “needy”.
The third goal was taken straight from the training ground and onto the Leatherhead “pitch”. From a short corner injection, Keith Boyce played the right slip to Andy Wright, who returned the ball to Boyce (now at the penalty spot). Boyce lifted the ball into the bottom right corner. The ball seemed to float for a moment, almost beautifully. But the beauty of the moment was destroyed, as the ball thumped the backboard with a resounding “wallop”.
At 20 minutes, some excellent Cheam counter-attacking play saw the ball worked up from the right back position to the Leatherhead 25 yard line. A slip pass was made to Andy Wright at the top of the ‘D’, who turned his man and hit a clean strike to the bottom left of the goal.
The remainder of the first half saw a number of Cheam chances: a scuffed shot from Andy Wright, a failed pickup near the Leatherhead goal by Richard Coleman, and notably a rather unlucky strike from Wright. The latter was a great shot from the top of the ‘D’ to the bottom right corner; the goalkeeper was left in no-man's land, and it was only a Leatherhead defender, with an outstretched reverse stick save, that denied the frontman.
Leatherhead attacks were few and far between, and at the end of the first half – 4-0 the score – Mark Frost had yet to make a save in goal for Cheam.
At the beginning of the second half, Ian Boyce received the ball from a great pass to the left wing. He drove to the Leatherhead back line and struck the ball hard into the ‘D’, where Rich Eggleton got a nice touch from a few yards out and lifted the ball past the goalkeeper.
The sixth goal came again from Eggleton. After a short corner, he received the ball at the left post and swept it in the air past the only goal line defender.
15 minutes into the second half, Gareth Lautenberg scored from an admirable solo effort. After an excellently defended Leatherhead short corner, he received the ball at the Leatherhead 25 yard line, rounded one defender, and struck a reverse stick hit from the top of the ‘D’. The (now shamed) old man spectator, who had watched hockey his entire adult life, vowed never again to set foot on an astroturf pitch.
Following a short spell on the bench, Andy Wright came back on and immediately created a number of chances for other players from the top of the ‘D’. None were however converted. Wright himself scored shortly after from a few yards out with one of his trademark spin-and-push/push-and-hope manoeuvres.
Matt Scanlon scored the ninth, with a hit to the bottom right of the Leatherhead goal.
The next 10 minutes saw a number of Cheam attacks, although the build up play was not as pretty as it had been in the first half. Doug Gordon struck a shot from a very tight angle, which was saved by the Leatherhead goalkeeper, and James Tebbs struck a lovely cross from the left wing that was not picked up.
It was Rich Eggleton who took the Cheam scoreline into double figures. He hit a lifted shot from the top right of the ‘D’, which struck the goalkeeper at the waist and dribbled down his leg into the goal. This completed Eggleton’s hattrick, and the Leatherhead goaltender was left with not-so-metaphorical egg all over his face.
At the 30 minute mark, James Tebbs struck his second goal from the right of the ‘D’ at a few yards out. The strike was a furious one, quite typical of Tebbs in recent times, and questions still surround his halftime steroid-laced “cycling drink”.
The ‘roid enraged junkie won a short corner for Cheam just a few minutes later. However, Keith Boyce slipped the ball left to Gareth Lautenberg, who found nothing but air.
A few minutes later, Matt Scanlon hit a powerful shot from the left of goal that unfortunately hit the side netting, denying the centre-link entry to the hattrick club.
With just a few minutes of the game remaining, Andy Wright completed his hattrick with a first-touch shot from the right of the ‘D’ that he connected well with.
In the dying moments, Matt Scanlon won a short corner for Cheam, which was the heroes’ last try for glory. Scanlon stopped the injection beautifully and Keith Boyce struck a swift shot that was just too quick for the goalline defender to deal with. 13-0.
With such a high scoreline, there was much to be pleased about. Everyone was content. Everyone but one man, who stalked the sidelines, plagued by a calf injury so excruciating that it took its pain from the depths of Hell. But he stayed silent. And watched. And wrote. Next time, you may even see him play.
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