Cheam Mens 1st XI

Report:

STICKS AND THE CITY

Dear Diary,

The Christmas break was great. So many presents; such fun! And then, of course, there were those few weeks of snow – how exciting!

An unfortunate consequence though was the postponement of Cheam’s first league match back against Camberley and Farnborough. Worse still, that weekend, Wanderers had sneakily crept into second place, narrowly beating bottom-of-the-league Walton & Weybridge 3-2. I felt angry and cheated. How could they have snuck higher than us in the league when they know full well that our rightful place is above them? I trusted them and they broke my heart. Upon seeing the horribly disfigured and skewed league table before this weekend’s match, I decided that I would punish them for what they did to me.

Upon their arrival at the Fortress, Wanderers were clearly embarrassed to have overtaken us in the league. They didn’t even come up to us at the dugouts and say “hi”; they just changed at the entrance to the pitch. This was going to be an icy encounter.

It was good to see some Cheam support at the sidelines – I would need the support of friends to face Wanderers after what they’d done. But Wanderers seemed unfazed by the small crowd (I hear they’re used to playing away).

During the first 20 minutes, we dominated Wanderers, maintaining possession and pressing them hard. But they wouldn’t give in. In one of our attacks, I received the ball at the far post but the opportunity was scuppered with a scuffed shot from close range. I felt small. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. But no, I’m better than that. I’ll show you, you stinking cheat. Just you wait...

Wanderers had a golden chance to take the lead in the first half. Cheam goalkeeper Jon Kinchington made a great save at close range and, with the help of a relentless back line, managed to prevent the Wanderers front men from forcing the ball into the goal with a rebound. The first half ended 0-0.

At the start of the second, Cheam had visibly began passing and controlling the ball more simply, shunning more complicated moves that hadn’t worked in the first half for simple, direct hockey. Cheam gained their first and only short corner of the match and Omar Shibli decided to drag flick. As usual, his flick was to the top left corner (can he flick anywhere else?) and the Wanderers ‘keeper pulled off a nice save, which the backs cleared well.

Later in the half, Andy Ventris received the ball near the top of the ‘D’ and, after rounding a few players, struck just wide of the left post. I was distraught. I had been open in the middle. I could’ve dealt a hard blow to Wanderers. I could’ve settled the score. But it wasn’t to be. There was still unfinished business.

In another Cheam attack halfway through the second half, Dom Beales received the ball in the away team’s ‘D’. His shot was saved by the goalkeeper and the rebound fell to me. I swept the ball on the reverse at goal – but it was stopped by a defender on the line. He didn’t control it well, however. I scrambled in and forced the ball over the line at the right post. As the ball crossed the line, a flurry of emotions came flooding over me. “What have I done? Does this feel right?” “Yes, of course it does. Remember what they did to you. That’ll teach them.” With a tear rolling down my left cheek, I ran back to the halfway line, glad to have drawn a line under this rocky relationship.

The final memorable moment of the match came a few minutes before the final whistle. Gareth Lautenberg, emotionally playing out the dramatic final scene of the match in his head, took a little longer than usual to take his 16. Insensitively, a Wanderers forward knocked the ball away from him, spoiling the moment. Young Gareth was hurt and channelled his anger well. As soon as the Wanderers players turned around to appeal, the little lothario struck a beautiful ball down the line. He went from violated to vindicated in one second flat.

For the rest of the game, Derry Brophy, who umpired, continuously congratulated me on my finishing. Truth be told, he was somewhat clingy and visibly emotional. At the final whistle, I left him sobbing into his hands at the sidelines, distraught at the tragic beauty of the encounter between the two sides.

Although not the best win we’ve had, it was 3 points well earned after an extended Christmas break. With Camberley and Farnborough having only taken one point this weekend, Cheam are now back in second place with a game in hand over the leaders, EUHC Gamblers. I felt relieved. We all did. But there was still anger at EUHC, who continue to mock us, masquerading as league leaders – clearly some sort of sick joke. But that’s another story.

Off to buy some shoes now, or something.

Signing off,

Barry Cradshaw

Report: The 1st XI arrived at the Surbiton water-based pitch for the final game before the festive holidays. Knowing that their opponents sat low in the league table, the away side were looking for an early Christmas present: glorious victory.

The game began with some serious pressure being exerted by the Cheam machine; numerous unsuccessful attempts at goal were made. Chances for the home team were few and far between and it was clear that Surbiton would do well to emerge from the encounter with any points.

The first goal came from Andy Ventris, although the Surbiton 6s equalised almost immediately thereafter. At halftime, the scoreline was 1-1.

After the break – amidst much controversy – came the second Cheam goal. A Cheam ball was played hard into the Surbiton ‘D’ and the ball was lifted off a Surbiton stick. Standing a few yards from the line, Rob Mackenzie played the ball at chest height, striking it downwards into the left side of the goal. The Surbiton players appealed vigorously on the basis that Mackenzie played the ball above shoulder height (which was plainly not the case). The umpires deliberated and the decision was upheld. Cheam took the lead – 2-1.

From hereon in, the Surbiton side were clearly riled and in an argumentative mood, contesting a number of decisions. Omar Shibli silenced their dissent with a slick drag flick to the top left corner – which is fast becoming his signature move.

The 1st XI upped the ante and the second half was all Cheam. With a crowd of Cheam support at the sidelines, it was just like playing at the Fortress. In fact, given the water-based facilities and convenient on-site clubhouse, the players seriously considered taking the Surbiton grounds by force – to use as an annex to existing club facilities. (The need to expand the Empire of Cheam has been a hot topic at the club as of late).

In the dying minutes of the match, Andy Ventris received a bouncing ball in the Surbiton ‘D’. Upon seeing the goaltender was off his line, the forward struck the ball into the air, lobbing the goalie and sending the ball goalwards. However, as his stick was close to his shoulder, he was blown up for a high stick and the goal was disallowed. Although whether or not the stick was too high was a moot point, the Surbiton rage at another cheeky Cheam goal would undoubtedly have been astronomical.

The game ended 3-1. With a number of missed chances during the match, it was a shame the away side had not come away with many, many more goals. But Cheam ultimately went into the Christmas break as second in the league on goal difference alone. The march to greatness continues...

Report: ‘Twas a calm morning and an early pushback. The ground was slightly damp from the rain of the night before. It is in these conditions that the pitch at the Fortress assumes the characteristics of a heavenly water-based astro, in that it is as soggy and fun to play on as a public schoolboy’s biscuit.

Languishing at the lower end of the table, the Epsom side were no doubt fearful of their clash with the Cheam machine. And rightly so, for what was to unfold can be described by only one word in the English language: ‘spanking’.

From the off, Cheam showed little regard for their Surrey rivals, caging them into their own 25. The claret-and-blue-clad heroes piled on the pressure, whilst Epsom enjoyed only the odd break into the Cheam 25.

During this onslaught, Rob Mackenzie drove the ball up the right midfield and played a square pass inside to Faraz Shibli. The ball was returned to Mackenzie (who had thoroughly outpaced his opponent) and then struck hard into the ‘D’. Stuart Lawrence slotted it home and proceeded to engage in a Tiger Woods celebration, where he assumed the role of the go-go golfer and Andy Ventris played the distraught (sexy) wife. Omar Shibli stared aghast, mouth open, disgusted that the pair had stolen the limelight from his ‘special’ ape-out celebration the week before.

The second came from a textbook Cheam short corner. Following the injection, Omar Shibli pushed the ball to the right post in a manner that was more hot and dangerous than Amanda Knox. Rob Mackenzie was on hand to gain the deflection that saw the young Epsom goalkeeper left in no-man’s land.

Midway through the first half, Cheam won a short corner and Omar Shibli stepped up to the plate. Gearing up for a drag flick, he unleashed a push that saw no air whatsoever and can only be described as ‘lame’, ‘limp’ and ‘pathetic’. This abomination somehow found its way into the goal. The skipper’s celebration, though equally abominable, was largely not in the same vein. Dropping onto one knee, Shibli wielded his stick like a sniper rifle, unloading invisible round after round into the Epsom backline. A small child, who had previously stood smiling at the sidelines – despite his terminal illness – began to cry.

The fourth slap to the Epsom face came towards the end of the first half. Faraz Shibli, breaking hard down the left wing, received the ball at the top of the ‘D’ unmarked, whereupon he slotted it to the left of the goalkeeper. The halftime whistle sounded and Epsom’s heads were hanging.

Despite their four goal deficit, Epsom put up a fight at the start of the second, striking early to bring the score to a more respectable 4-1. The 1st XI do not like their opponents to appear respectable; they prefer to shame them such that the scoreline acts as a dark stain against their names for generations. To punish their insolence, Andy Martin and Andy Ventris each scored, the former being from another short corner.

For the remainder of the match, Cheam looked nothing but in control. At the sound of the final whistle, the players knew their holy work there was done. Following losses from both Merton and EUHC Gamblers this weekend, Cheam rose to second in the league. Their ascension to first place to ultimately claim their rightful, God-given place as League Champions and Masters of the Universe now seems inevitable...

Report: Formed in 1965, the London Borough of Merton is famed worldwide for its luxurious quilts and bedding. Renowned culture vultures, the 1st XI journeyed to Merton to experience this wonder first hand; the Merton home pitch is one of Europe’s finest examples of patchwork, featuring unique layering techniques and the combination of a vast array of materials to produce completely uneven surfaces.

The appearance of the pitch was akin to that of a chessboard (albeit one hand made by a small child) and the Cheam-Merton showdown was to be nothing short of a strategist’s dream.

From the whistle, the Cheam machine began to dominate, pressing the Merton side back into their 25. Within the first ten minutes however the home team had launched a number of short, sharp counter attacks and the game was on tenterhooks. A crowd of female supporters (presumably travellers seeking to catch a glimpse of the famous Merton patchwork) had gathered at the sidelines and began to cheer the home side.

Rob Mackenzie nearly silenced them, crashing the ball in at the left post with much northern anger. The supporters were a resilient lot and continued to encourage the home team. Furious with their foolish display of loyalty to Merton for no other reason than a fabulously contemporary piece of patchwork art, the hardmen of Cheam committed an act which can only be described as common assault – with intent to score goals. Rob Mackenzie drove the ball hard up the right wing, cutting in towards the ‘D’. He struck a pass hard to the penalty spot, where a Merton centre back miscontrolled the ball. Faraz Shibli, anticipating the Merton back’s proper control of the ball, couldn’t help but body check the poor chap off the pitch and into the fencing (one of the many holes in which, I’m sure, he went straight through). It was merely left for James Tebbs to shamelessly tap the ball into the goal, which he duly did. Some supporters began questioning their loyalty to the home side, describing their hockey as “patchy” and “unworthy to grace the hallowed uneven turf”.

Just as the Cheam heroes began to feel very pleased with themselves, Merton struck back with an excellent goal from a short corner. A fast-paced push was played from the top of the ‘D’ and an unstoppable deflection sailed into the net. 2-1.

But it wasn’t long before Cheam re-established their two goal lead. The ball was played up the centre to Faraz Shibli who, standing at the top of the ‘D’, swept a reverse stick shot at goal which somehow managed to find its way between the goalkeeper’s legs. Surely, this was bedtime for Merton.

Alas, towards the end of the half, Merton scored again, albeit in rather scrappier fashion than before. Cheam goaltender Jon Kinchington made a number of fantastic saves to keep the away team ahead by one.

Following halftime, the Merton artisans weaved some more magic and scored quickly to level the score. At 3-3, the Cheam machine had let their lead slip and would need to muster every ounce of their gritty determination to put the home team to sleep. What followed was twenty minutes of Cheam domination and goal-scoring opportunities in abundance. The Merton side were unable to deal with the pace on the break and superior fitness of the Cheam titans, thus constantly finding themselves on the back foot.

The strains of the onslaught took its toll on the Merton team, the home side growing increasingly frustrated. Seemingly every decision was subject to an appeal – including those that went their way; raising sticks at face height in the ‘D’ suddenly became de rigeur; and a terrifically violent assault was perpetrated on Andy Ventris to prevent a goal scoring opportunity. How the offending defender avoided conceding a penalty flick and receiving a yellow card we will never know.

What he did concede was a short corner. Up stepped Omar Shibli, who was the subject of taunts from a mouthy Merton back line. “They don’t know what they’re doing”, shouted one. The incomprehensible babblings of a carpenter, shouted another. Shibli silenced these insults with a mid-line, right-sided, speedy drag flick that found nothing but net. But what followed was much to the shame of the village of Cheam (and surrounding towns of Surrey). Shibli proceeded to “ape out”, spasming strangely and making noises similar to those only found within the animal kingdom. It later transpired that this was his “celebration”.

With the score at 4-3, as if tensions weren’t high enough, Gareth Lautenberg decided that is would be fitting to start a fight a few minutes before the whistle. For the remainder of the match, Stuart Lawrence continually stick tackled any man within a twenty foot diameter of him – whether in possession of the ball or not – and received a shiny green card for his efforts.

Report: This was a much anticipated game against the cream of Surrey's educational crop, as your heroes faced Surrey "University". The match was going to be intense: both teams were locked on 11 points in the league table. To the victor would come a place right back in the mix for the championship run-off; to the loser, the threat of being cut adrift into mid-table mediocrity. But this game came with added spice - ex Cheam legend Mark "the Shark" Atherton had gone over to the dark side, and was returning to the fortress as Surrey University's head coach. The banter had been well under way for the past week. There are some things in life that money can buy, but he bragging rights from this encounter would be priceless.

It was Atherton's words that provided the spark for this weekend's fixture. In a text to your captain he included the fateful line: "The fortress isn't quite what it used to be". Oh my, he was leading Surrey lambs into the slaughter. The fortress was more of a bear-pit as the teams entered onto the hallowed turf, and the stewards struggled to contain the restless crowd.

Shorn of Fisty, our top-scorer this season, and lacking many of the regulars of previous seasons through injury, this could have been a tough contest. But your heroes have been on the verge of producing a performance all season, and this was the game when it all seemed to come together.

The opening exchanges were tight and tense, and it looked like the match could go either way. But then your heroes raised the bar. Our movement was perhaps the best it's been so far this season and we bamboozled the Surrey defence. The ball went down the right side, was crossed into the D and SuperMario powered up, got in front of his defender and deflected the ball into the net. An unstoppable goal and top class finish. Cheam were looking confident, the fortress was rocking, and we went into the half-time 1-0 up.

Whilst the Cheamettes kept the crowd entertained, the half-time team talk gave a platform for the second half. We identified their weak links and told ourselves that this was our moment to step up. We went out into the second half with renewed vigour.

In the second half, your titans took control. The midfield was bossed, our basics, passing and movement were tight, and our hustle off the ball were spectacular. Great finishes from VDL and Mad Dog, and a reverse stick finish from Shags had Cheam cruising, and the Surrey lads turning against each other. A noticeable moment in the match came from Mad Dog, who took 26 years worth of rage, pent them up and unleashed them into a reverse stick undercut from a difficult angle, straight into the keeper's throat. It may not have scored us a goal, but it was mightily fun to watch.

Surrey, to their credit, picked themselves up and gave the scoreline some respectability with two goals on the break. But by that stage, the result was never in doubt. The heroes of Cheam emerged victorious, and look forward to a top-table clash against Merton next weekend.

Report: If you can warm up properly when all the others
Are just walking and chatting too,
If you can bring white shorts when your elder brother
Thinks that black or market stall ones will do;
If you perform ‘dancing feet’ to perfection,
Gadzooks! As if it were foregone,
If you can run backwards and change direction,
Or squat low like Tebbsython:

If the bespectacled Badger can strike goal first,
Yet not make scoring his aim,
If you can quench your violent, bloody thirst,
Yet not attract the blame;
If your game remains tip-top – first rate!
Despite your keeper’s failing logging,
If yours is a sober Friday night whilst mates
Are out in Sutton dogging:

If the age-old Camberley foe should take the lead
With a higgledy-piggledy shot,
If Shagger’s interminable appetite to breed
Should without hint or preview stop;
If you push yourself for one last minute,
Give the gits another run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!