Cheam Mens 1st XI

Report: A crisp morning in Battersea is what greeted a depleted Cheam 1stXI for this huge top of the table clash for the Cheam Heroes. Second versus third was top of the billing and it was a surprise that Sky had not bid more for the television rights for this game. Opponents Spencer Saints had been described by Camberley as the best team they had faced all season and from the reports, Spencer were likely to be feeling rather hard done by from they previous weeks clash to not have come away with 3 points.

Cheam on the other hand were flying high undefeated but had the problem that they were missing eight first team players through a combination of injury, illness and a number of players heading off on their mid season holidays before the end of the league program. The first teamers that remained arrived a bit nervous that points were to be dropped. The players brought up were not so worried and showed why when at half time Cheam high fived a 4-0 lead and left a shocked Spencer side to try and pick up the pieces.

Goals from Andy Wright, Gary Morley (2) and Matt Scanlon had opened up a significant lead and it could have been worse for the Saints. The pick of the first half was Matt Scanlons dribble through the defense to score and Gary Morleys calm flick finish into the corner.

The second half was less frantic and while chances were created they were not converted. At the other end Spencer pressed on and the game turned into an end to end game at a frantic pace. But Cheam made their pressure pay and the inevitable happened when Bob Stiff arrived at the far post to chip in and Andy Wright completed the rout with a fine finish over the keeper to complete an amazing 6-0 win. Spencer played hard and looked a good well organised side that demanded a solid performance to be beaten

Special mention must go to all the players that stepped up from the 2s to play. Dom terrorised the Saints defence down the right with both his pace and skill and assisted in a number of goals. Craig remained undaunted by anyone on the pitch and got stuck in winning the ball in midfield and starting wave after wave of attack. Gillo slotted in neatly at the back and allowed no room for Spencer attacks. Bob rolled back the years and played where needed and finished his goal neatly. Swamp Pig was voted man of the match for a performance that showed his class. He controlled the defence and was a great presence on the pitch in a game where Cheam could have lost their organisation.

Well done Boys – lets continue it in 2008

Report: This communication has been thoroughly screened for, and is devoid of, the following: bias, humour and emotion. From January 2008, transmissions will be delivered in Newspeak only. Subliminal messaging contained herein may cause epilepsy.

Last Saturday, Cheam faced Barnes Men’s 4th XI away. Before pushback, the atmosphere pitch-side was tense. A trenchcoat-clad man sat nearby on a park bench, peering over his newspaper, listening to every word uttered. Faraz Shibli’s newly fitted electronic tag was fastened tightly around his ankle, beeping more quickly with every bead of sweat that dripped down his fear-stricken face. James Tebbs enjoyed a pre-match cigar, laughing manically at random intervals.

Following pushback, play was rather scrappy from both sides. Cheam did, however, managed to dominate their opponents – subjugation being second nature to them – and cage them into their own half. A number of Cheam appeals for stick tackles inside the Barnes ‘D’ were denied, and Gary Morley hit the left post in an early close-range attempt at goal. After 10 minutes, the game opened up, with Barnes launching some offensives of their own and Cheam displaying some neat passing around defence and midfield.

It was Matt Scanlon who broke the deadlock, dribbling past a few defenders inside the ‘D’ and nutmegging the Barnes goalkeeper. He dedicated his goal to the Cheam Executive Committee – as is customary these days.

Cheam players are no longer allowed names; instead, they are designated numbers. But the player formerly known as ‘Andy Wright’ was notably absent during the first half – a crime for which he faces one thousand lashes (and possible branding). Nevertheless, he joined the squad for the restart, and Cheam were eager to consolidate their performance.

Shortly after the break, Keith Boyce found his way onto the score sheet, with a solid short corner strike to the bottom right of goal. Andy Wright scored the third after a string of one-twos up the right wing; Rich Coleman squared the ball for Wright to finish with a flick into the right side netting. Andy Wright, foolishly, almost celebrated the goal. But he caught sight of James Tebbs’ eyes bulging with monstrous rage, and quickly recovered with a stern, tight-fisted salute to the Exec.

The fourth and final goal began with a string of passes from Omar Shibli, acting as a pivot. Shibli played the ball through to Andy Wright at the top of the Barnes ‘D’, where the striker rounded the huge goalkeeper and slipped the ball home.

And so the game ended 4-0. The mysterious man who occupied the park bench smiled a gnarly, toothless grin, and the beeping of Faraz Shibli’s electronic tag eased somewhat. Despite the win, there was still a feeling of unease. The air was foul with the stench of oppression, and the Cheam players trudged off the pitch in single file, like lambs to the slaughter, chanting incessant mantras of their devotion to the club.

In an act of peaceful protest against the regime, Faraz Shibli has reportedly named his hockey stick ‘Mohammed’.

Report: On a cold Surrey Uni day, the Cheam heroes lined up against the students not knowing what to expect. Racked by injuries to Stumples, Mustard and Zippy, and without the far-travelling Frazzle, SuperMario or young squire Matty, Cheam were somewhat perturbed to see a 15-man squad line up for the oppo. However, you adventurers were confident, played hard, and the students inevitably crumbled under the pressure of the Cheam machine.

This match was over as a contest in about the 3rd minute, with two Cheam goals following swiftly from the opening whistle. The pick of the two was the first, in which a beautiful Cheam move from the back saw the ball transfer to VDL at centre, out into the left channel for the onrunning Gaz, who crossed the ball at pace to AWright. The ball was slightly behind the frontman, who could have either panicked or sent a one handed reverse stick lifted trademark strike into the inside netting, beyond a stunned keeper. He picked the latter option. Swift one touch passing and the Cheam patented sexy hockey followed, as did the second and third goals.

Thereafter in the first half the performance of the Cheam behemoth dipped slightly, as in our superiority we were tempted to hold the ball individually for a fraction too long. Surrey Uni were, however, restricted to the very fleeting forward move, swiftly cut out by the Cheam rearguard. Half-time chat covered the speed of ball transfer.

The second half was again all Cheam, with the ball transferring nicely across the back and middle, although giving the students a chance by only utilising two thirds of the pitch. Maybe we felt some subconscious sympathy for the spanking that we were dishing out. Nevertheless you warriors kept going. Three more goals rocked in. The picks were a beautiful AWright deflection from a set piece attacking hit and a wonderful Scanners dribble and upright reverse stick finish. It was notable for being almost, but not quite as good, as a reverse stick tomahawk that was scored by another Cheam adonis the previous week. I understand there is a musical currently being written about it, with film rights being negotiated. Nevertheless, Scanners had the flamboyance and audacity to stun the onlooking crowd with the old-favourite "airplane" celebration. Top stuff.

Cheam continued to snuff out any oppo front play before it even began, and Surrey were restricted to one short corner and one shot on target for their 70 minutes of endeavour. The frustration was too much for some, and one University player, affectionately now nicknamed "Mr Schiz" by the Cheam heroes, provided some memorable moments with a selection of top-notch outbursts, which included stopping just short of calling your writer something rather uncouth. Apparently he thought we were indulging in some quiet cynical play. The very idea...

Following the match, your titans returned to eat, drink and be merry, but were shocked to find the oppo had not provided any food, whilst tucking in themselves. Such action will surely be heavily punished on return to the Fortress. Undaunted, the demi-gods voyaged back to Peaches, where bounteous merriment ensued.

Next week sees the Hunters at home to London Edwardians, any and all support will be much appreciated, and more than returned in kind. It's going to be bloody...

On an aside, the Men's 1s are pleased to announce the surprise engagement of AMart to long time Cheam 1s groupie JMart. Apparently, he proposed over Italian food. Such a romantic...

Report: Cheam travelled away to Leatherhead for their penultimate friendly before the start of the new season. And the venue? Liverpool have “The Kop”, Cheam have “Fortress Nonsuch”, and Leatherhead have “The Cesspit”.

Our heroes began the game nicely, with some calm, confident passing play in midfield. However, one spectator – who knows the Cheam game all too well – remarked that Cheam would soon descend into “bloody dribbling again”. This clairvoyant, who wishes only to be identified as “Zippy”, was ultimately correct. The neat passing play would however last for the entire first half.

5 minutes in, Matt Scanlon scored with a crisp strike from the top right of the ‘D’.

Shortly after the goal, a Leatherhead defender played a lifted ball towards Keith Boyce’s hand, undoubtedly knowing its proneness to inflation. The crowd gasped, but Boyce managed to avoid the catastrophe with quick evasive action. Reportedly, he was heard muttering, “not this time, Nancy Boy”.

The second goal came from James “Tiger” Tebbs. Keith Boyce struck the initial shot and Tebbs cashed in on the rebound, putting a reverse sweep into the bottom right hand corner. Gareth Lautenberg initially attempted to claim the goal, alleging that he pushed Tebbs’ stick to make the strike (or some jibber jabber). A local man, who has been watching hockey for over 50 years, dismissed Lautenberg's claims as “pathetic” and “needy”.

The third goal was taken straight from the training ground and onto the Leatherhead “pitch”. From a short corner injection, Keith Boyce played the right slip to Andy Wright, who returned the ball to Boyce (now at the penalty spot). Boyce lifted the ball into the bottom right corner. The ball seemed to float for a moment, almost beautifully. But the beauty of the moment was destroyed, as the ball thumped the backboard with a resounding “wallop”.

At 20 minutes, some excellent Cheam counter-attacking play saw the ball worked up from the right back position to the Leatherhead 25 yard line. A slip pass was made to Andy Wright at the top of the ‘D’, who turned his man and hit a clean strike to the bottom left of the goal.

The remainder of the first half saw a number of Cheam chances: a scuffed shot from Andy Wright, a failed pickup near the Leatherhead goal by Richard Coleman, and notably a rather unlucky strike from Wright. The latter was a great shot from the top of the ‘D’ to the bottom right corner; the goalkeeper was left in no-man's land, and it was only a Leatherhead defender, with an outstretched reverse stick save, that denied the frontman.

Leatherhead attacks were few and far between, and at the end of the first half – 4-0 the score – Mark Frost had yet to make a save in goal for Cheam.

At the beginning of the second half, Ian Boyce received the ball from a great pass to the left wing. He drove to the Leatherhead back line and struck the ball hard into the ‘D’, where Rich Eggleton got a nice touch from a few yards out and lifted the ball past the goalkeeper.

The sixth goal came again from Eggleton. After a short corner, he received the ball at the left post and swept it in the air past the only goal line defender.

15 minutes into the second half, Gareth Lautenberg scored from an admirable solo effort. After an excellently defended Leatherhead short corner, he received the ball at the Leatherhead 25 yard line, rounded one defender, and struck a reverse stick hit from the top of the ‘D’. The (now shamed) old man spectator, who had watched hockey his entire adult life, vowed never again to set foot on an astroturf pitch.

Following a short spell on the bench, Andy Wright came back on and immediately created a number of chances for other players from the top of the ‘D’. None were however converted. Wright himself scored shortly after from a few yards out with one of his trademark spin-and-push/push-and-hope manoeuvres.

Matt Scanlon scored the ninth, with a hit to the bottom right of the Leatherhead goal.

The next 10 minutes saw a number of Cheam attacks, although the build up play was not as pretty as it had been in the first half. Doug Gordon struck a shot from a very tight angle, which was saved by the Leatherhead goalkeeper, and James Tebbs struck a lovely cross from the left wing that was not picked up.

It was Rich Eggleton who took the Cheam scoreline into double figures. He hit a lifted shot from the top right of the ‘D’, which struck the goalkeeper at the waist and dribbled down his leg into the goal. This completed Eggleton’s hattrick, and the Leatherhead goaltender was left with not-so-metaphorical egg all over his face.

At the 30 minute mark, James Tebbs struck his second goal from the right of the ‘D’ at a few yards out. The strike was a furious one, quite typical of Tebbs in recent times, and questions still surround his halftime steroid-laced “cycling drink”.

The ‘roid enraged junkie won a short corner for Cheam just a few minutes later. However, Keith Boyce slipped the ball left to Gareth Lautenberg, who found nothing but air.

A few minutes later, Matt Scanlon hit a powerful shot from the left of goal that unfortunately hit the side netting, denying the centre-link entry to the hattrick club.

With just a few minutes of the game remaining, Andy Wright completed his hattrick with a first-touch shot from the right of the ‘D’ that he connected well with.

In the dying moments, Matt Scanlon won a short corner for Cheam, which was the heroes’ last try for glory. Scanlon stopped the injection beautifully and Keith Boyce struck a swift shot that was just too quick for the goalline defender to deal with. 13-0.

With such a high scoreline, there was much to be pleased about. Everyone was content. Everyone but one man, who stalked the sidelines, plagued by a calf injury so excruciating that it took its pain from the depths of Hell. But he stayed silent. And watched. And wrote. Next time, you may even see him play.

Report: The Knights of Nonsuch faced a Purley side from the murky depths of Surrey Open Division 3 last weekend, so hopes were high. However, with the 1st XI not yet victorious in the preseason run-up, nothing could be taken for granted.

The Cheam army dominated the first ten minutes of the game, comfortably conquering the home side. Andy Martin declared war with an early goal to open the scoring. Cheam besieged the Purley ‘D’, persistently winning many a short corner, but failed to convert, and at half-time the score remained 1-0.

After the ceasefire, Purley scored an equaliser. However, Cheam struck back with a torrent of goals from Rich Eggleton, Keith Boyce, Andy Wright and James Tebbs. Of particular note was the strike from Tebbs, which was released with the fury of one thousand nations. And he seemed like such a nice boy...

The Princes of Peaches celebrated their first win of 07/08, and young squire Matt Laidman was voted Man of the Match. The valiant performance of new recruit Mario de Sa was also rejoiced, and so he was declared the new Team Waterboy.