Cheam Mens 2nd XI

Report: Sunbury were cheeky enough to almost grab a point from us earlier in the season, so we in no mood to give them a sniff this time around.

We started strongly, and numerous chances were spurned before Super Mario struck the opener on his reverse. A fine strike, which justifies what we all thought in the weeks leading up was a token reverse-swing-and-miss routine. We nearly let Sunbury grab an equalizer shortly after, though fortunately their finishing was uglier than Big Phil's gimp warm-up gear.

It was two-nil at half time with Marcus confirming, upon stepping up to the two's that there is more to him than just the hype and the hairstyle. His cool finish gave us some much-needed swagger - after an amazing 'dummy' from WMD.

Goals 3 and 4 followed in the second half, with Marcus and Mario getting another each. Then disaster struck. Bored on the sidelines, QT decided to have a r! un out at right back. Although Sunbury scored shortly after I am pleased to confirm that this had absolutely nothing to do with him playing at the back... More to do with the glass stick he unwittingly purchased just hours beforehand.

Order was restored shortly after, with more Cheam pressure. but we were again plunged into the paranormal when Phil (that isn't a typo) scored a cracker from a tight angle. He then proceeded in hitting the deck in euphoria, waiting for his beloved team mates to congratulate him (and probably lie on top of him). But joy was swiftly turned into despair upon realisation that a goal-scoring bear hug was not forthcoming.

Gaystacks, Phil and one or two others were both guilty of horrendous misses, which would have given a score line of Kenley proportions. But 5-1 was a solid win, setting up a date with destiny on the 4th April. Should be fun.

Muppet of the Match: Despite a frustrating time in front of goal, Gaystacks managed to ! find the net in spectacular fashion. It's just a shame it was ! the one at the side of the pitch. While challenging for the ball he was unceremoniously dumped into the onion-bag, much to his embarrassment, everyone else's amusement. Apparently he finds getting things out of the net just as difficult as putting things into it, as his late display of goal-line ball-juggling proved...

Report: I guess it was only right to leave ourselves with the task of two wins from two for promotion.

We were a team that had not played together for a while due to all those players being called up to the one's - then never being seen again due to injury, or death by Ian Boyce.

This was very evident on a hot day as we huffed and puffed all game, but were essentially as toothless as a resident of West Croydon.

Fair play to Thames Valley - definitely the best team we've faced this season, but we were certainly their equals in both games against them. Also there's something really annoying about losing to a side who actually turn out to be a nice bunch... bugger.

So not the result we needed, but a win against Sunbury and a win against what will probably be the NPL 1st XI will see the champagne out for another season. Here's hoping.

Special mentions:

Brandi - only managed to take the attention away from the season's worst challenge (ANY tackle from Clintons excluded) by turning up to the social in a lumberjack outfit.

The Badger - who looked tempted to stay on for the social, before once again being lured home by the "Badger Signal". His fiancé now has total control of this device, and it lights up the skies every time he wanders over 350 feet from his front door.

Julio (aka the Yes Bitch) - Having recently turned 18, foolishly thought that by being Brandi's 'Yes Man' he would avoid any kind of alcoholic punishment. He had to be sent home at 7 o'clock. A shambolic disgrace..

See you next week...

Report: Last season there was a squad crisis. In a week when the first team had one of the biggest games in their schedule, up to 10 regulars were unavailable. They travelled to 3rd placed Spencer Saints with a team packed with second team players eager to prove their worth. We won 6-0 that day, effectively guaranteeing the 1s a deserved promotion to Surrey 1.

This week Cheam again showed their great strength in depth as no fewer than 25 players were unavailable due to injury, holiday, or being dragged around shops by the Mrs. The team was also rocked by the revelation that a certain team member had been sharing Champagne with an old male friend the night before, only to wake up remembering nothing, yet with a very real sense of shame in the pit of his stomach (allegedly). Fortunately this is a family website, so those outside the 2s squad on that day may never know the true meaning behind Mark's his latest handle: Champagne Hussain.

Sparky, Brian, Ben, Graham and Joe were all thrust into second team action this week in what was potentially a banana-skin for the Cheam promotion push. We also had no umpire, though QT blew the whistle for the first half and Graham and Persil Gibbs kindly agreed to share the second.

We started the game nervously, and looked a bit disjointed - which was understandable given our must-changed side. However Surrey Old Boys rarely threatened. Frosty did well to stop a break away attack after an SOB forward found himself free in the D; an act which pretty much marked the end of his duties as he was rarely called upon from then on. Once against Frosty was looking a bit short-changed in the clubhouse after, having stumped up his £10 match fee...

Brandi then made a terrific run about 3/4 of the length of the pitch, rounding about 5 players with exactly the same trick each time. But having embarrassed the opposition defence, there was no finish at the end. Rumours that he was dispossessed in the D while reaching for an oxygen mask are yet to be confirmed. Despite creating a number of openings, we left frustrated as the shots kept sailing wide.

A stirring half time team talk had us out of the blocks much quicker in the second half. Brandi got the opener and then made the second for the Head-master to sneak in at the far post. Graham had earlier defied his critics by spectacularly managing to last his entire 17-minute umpiring spell without calling upon his whistle once. Top stuff - silent but deadly.

QT added the third goal with another trademark short corner, and the match was won. The relief was clear. This was an excellent win and those who deputised are sure to feature for the 2s again before the season is over.

Special Mentions:
Subbuteo - With Rod Stewart playing for the 1s, little Tom must have noticed that the Matt Mabin Most Elaborate Hair Award was up for grabs. How else could you explain the new £35 hair cut?

Joe Oddinho - Shrugged off the stigma of being a common-baller with an energetic display. Was denied a deserved goal late on.

Brandi - Having done a solid 80mph down the A3 to Guildford, he arrived at the pitch after Saddam (whose car starts to rattle at 60). The look of astonishment on Brandi's face was worth the 3 points all by itself.

QT with Cheese - Sorry guys but with 5 games to go I haven't mentioned myself yet - so: one shot, one goal... a true hero to the nation.

Champagne Moment: Came in the early hours of Saturday morning in Epsom. Apparently it was a cheap bottle.

Winner of the Tom Garrod Award: Only one nomination this week, and it went to Big Bad Brain Baguley for a double-assault on an SOB forward. With both fouls probably worthy of a yellow, a green is all the umpire dared to muster.

Report: There are some great contests which take place in the world of sport: The Ashes, the Merseyside derby, the Monaco Grand Prix... Despite the hype, most of them turn out to be about as interesting as a Stuart Lawrence RE Lesson. The one that always seems to deliver, though is Cheam vs Kenley. and the Gods deemed fit to grace this sporting battle with glorious sunshine (God Bless global warming).

We've had some excellent results this year, and it has led us on another promotion charge but this was the one we all wanted. Having outplayed yet failed to beat Kenley a few times of late, we finally managed to hand them the spanking they deserved with a finishing master-class. Given the fact that we were promoted on the same number of points as them last year really shows how far we have come as a team, and a club.

A terrific first 15 minutes saw us 3-0 up, with QT and The Badger combining twice, and the One-Armed Bandit powering home a short-corner. Kenley were stunned, but managed to pull one back. However, there was only one team playing any hockey, and we promptly made it 4-1 before half time with Brandi rounding the keeper and slotting home.

Second half and cue the traditional "2s wobble". For ten minutes we let Kenley play and they pulled it back to 4-2. The Cheam of old might have let them back into the game, but the revival was short-lived as Rod made it 5 seconds later. This ended Kenley's challenge and it was a question of how many from then on.

Goals 6, 7, 8 and 9 followed. Rod got another, Goldie got two and The Badger completed his hat-trick. The crowd went wild, and the Kenley defence was filed firmly under Missing Persons. You could just see the Vidi-Printer on Grandstand now. Kenley 2 - Cheam 9 (Nine). It could have been double figures, but QT missed a chance, and Duncan came up with the miss of the day after doing the hard work in a great move.

A great win but there are tougher contests to come.

Special mentions:
Brandi - for forgetting the white shirts. AGAIN. I'm starting to think he harbours a secret desire for us to play in skins. A strong contender for the Tom Garrod Award.

Derek "Persil" Gibb - Not only did he shun his other half by getting an early flight back for the game, but he came to the rescue by providing half the team with their "whites", and then gave the smelly washing to his wife... Legendary.

Champagne Moment: I'm going to give it to The Badger for a cracking finish to seal his hat-trick. Great goal, crap celebration... again.

Quote of the day: "Your head looks like a tennis ball" - Persil. Bizarre, yet true statement about Rod who defied the laws of science yet again by coming through another 70 minutes with his unique barnet totally in tact... great effort.

Thanks to MoonPig for umpiring.

Report: The UN Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix was wrong when he said that Saddam had no weapons of mass destruction hidden away. Saturday 14th February 2009 saw him finally unleash his WMD on Woking, nearly breaking the goal with its devastating force.

Our quick attacking play left the Woking defence looking like a war-zone for much of the first half, with many chances being spurned. 1-0 up at half time didn't do our efforts justice and we were wary of conceding on the break.

Super Mario got the goal he deserved, and then ruined it by going for a ridiculous reverse stick shot shortly after which is still coming down now. We allowed Woking a sniff when they pulled it back to 2-1 against the run of play, but Goldie made it 3-1 - and seemingly game over.

'Dangerous' Brian marred what was otherwise a fine game by assisting the shortest man on the pitch (Tom excluded), who chipped JK to make it 3-2.

Barring the usual 2nd half jitters this was another excellent 2s performance which was much better than the dross served up at their place earlier in the season. Sanjay and Brian deputised well and QT returned to action after a long overdue hip-replacement.

Muppet of the Match: Brandi had clearly watched the SuperBowl recently. With the ball on the half way line, he did his finest impression of a cowering quarterback and dribbled all the way back towards his own goal and over the back line. Clearly he wasn't man enough to take the sack...

Champagne Moment? I hope it was for Badger's girlfriend after he made himself unavailable for this game due to Valentine's Day. But in case he didn't rise to the challenge I'll give it to Saddam for a goal which, "Makes every goal I've ever scored look crap." - Brandi.

Thanks to Craigy for umpiring.

Report: It had to happen some time... our first defeat of the season after a fantastic 10 month unbeaten run.

The game took place on a pitch that can only be described as an ice rink, and for most of the game we all seemed to be auditioning for next year's Dancing on Ice. Despite this we started strongly and had a goal disallowed (apparently Brandi had attacked the keeper). The second half was poor by our standards and we conceded from a short corner with about 20 minutes left. A very frustrating game but it should make for an excellent return fixture at the Fortress next year.

Special Mentions:

Big Phil: stole the show with a tremendous display of tumbling. The nearby M25 shook as Cheam's very own Bambi on ice showed off his Titanic turning circle and grabbed floor more often than Didier Drogba. Phil is this week's winner of the much-coveted Tom Garrod Award.

Brandi: who now has to completely re-think his lucky pre-match rituals. To be fair it was starting to get out of hand, with cold pizza, unwashed pants, broken socks and the sacrifice of a wild boar before push-back...

Mustard: Now I've heard many excuses for being late for a game. Most of them are passable. Coleman however decided to opt for some garbage about being held up at a petrol station. Must try harder.

Swampig: Apparently GBH is only worthy of a green card. Maybe Charlotte took pity on the pig this time round.

Thanks to Charlotte for umpiring, and the 1s was coming along to support.

A brilliant first half of the season for the Crazy 2s, bring on January.

Report: The first mixed hockey game of the season ended in a crushing victory for Cheam by their biggest margin so far. This was all achieved despite only having 11 players, facing a previously strong Spencer side and been distracted by the garish sight of Big Phil's strip tease during the game.

Luckily, this also distracted the opposition as well and we were able to get off to a strong start, with Coleman and Ed impressing on the flanks. I can't remember all the goals or scorers and frankly it does not matter. All I know that the Spencer net rippled 8 times and unbelievably I got none of them.

The promising front partnership of Rod Worm and Gaystacks again was lively and chipped in with 5 goals. The change to two men up front has yielded positive results and with pace and movement this pair caused Spencer problems all day.

In the midfield, Mario looked dangerous and on a number of occasions beat his man and drove to the byline, Duncan played well centrally and distributed the ball cleverly and Badger moaned until he scored and had a surprisingly reserved celebration.

Also 2 clean sheets in a row, Frosty is going to start asking for a discount of his match fees.

Great result, we are getting better and better each week. Bring on Thames Valley.

Report: A freezing cold afternoon on a horribly bumpy pitch. what could have been a potential banana-skin turned into a thumping victory with seven goals (not six as Fixtures Live suggests). A 2s homecoming for Swampig, and a return to action for A-Mart meant that we had a strong squad for this one, and we didn't disappoint as we gave those skanky tax-dodgers a well deserved spanking.

With a huge crowd in the stand cheering UCL on, we set about our business well, scoring with our very first attack. Gaystacks collecting his first of three. The second came from our very first short corner, with QT converting a slick routine. The game was effectively over as a contest shortly after, with RodWorm Mabin continuing his great 2s form with another goal. It was 5-0 at the break, with RodWorm and Gaystacks claiming another each.

Half time was rather surreal as most of us felt that we weren't playing particularly well - though it was probably just a front to try to impress Charlotte (lots of running at training is on the cards at training I reckon.) The second half brought more of the same. QT scored his second, with a cheeky goal seconds after the re-start and Gaystacks completed the rout, and his hat-trick late on. So a dominant performance, seven goals, no shots or short corners conceded... the unbeaten run rolls on for another week.

Special Mentions:

The Badger: for what was the most outrageous swing-and-miss seen since Derry last graced a hockey pitch. More Bodger than Badger... and it certainly gave the opposition their first smile of the afternoon. It was also just enough to secure the Tom Garrod Award this week. Fore!

A-Mart: for announcing that he would be playing a strict Makalele-type holding role, before bombing up field in a vain search of a goal. Welcome back.

118 Edwards: We don't play common-ball, so headphones whilst warming up is a sin, despite what Whitgift might say. Do what the rest of us do and block out everything Perez says in other ways.

Frosty: 10 quid match fee. 3 touches... I make that £3.33 per touch. Cracking value.

Julio aka Bananaman: This is a family website but those who were in the UCL changing rooms on the 22nd November have had their lives changed forever.

On a side note lads, I know we won 7-0, but the excessive horseplay in the changing rooms was rather unexpected... God knows what the opposition were thinking next door! See you at training.

Report: The day after Children in Need, Surrey Old Boys arrived looking fired up, and with Pudsey Bear in their defence - fresh from a long night at the BBC Television Centre. However, he and his team didn't appear to be in the mood for giving generously, as the opening 10 minutes were very tight.

After some early nerves, we got on top and pretty much dominated the game from then on. Cheam HCs finest Rod Stewart tribute act opened the scoring to round off an excellent move. A flurry of passes led to Gaystacks crossing perfectly for the ageing rocker to roll back the years with a confident finish - and we were up and running. We decided to give Surrey a very generous donation shortly before half time, with a 16 getting deflected straight to their striker... 1-1. Pudsey and co. were delighted, but we weren't in a charitable mood and set about making our dominance count in the second half.

We definitely kicked on, with The Badger finishing another excellent move and celebrating with his trademark Angry Fist. Gaystacks settled the game with another bout of goal-stealing by deflecting a goal bound shot into the roof of the net from a short corner.

We've definitely played better this season but it was good to get back to winning ways against a well-organised side.

Highlight of the day must have been the look of unrivalled joy on Big Phil's face when a tray-full of pies was placed right in front of him back at the club house... this all changed, however, when faced with the horrifying prospect of having to share them.

Thanks to the first team, who came out in numbers in support of the 2s, a very deserving cause.

MOTM: Duncan 118 Edwards... seemed to have a stint in every position during the course of the game and had an answer for everything the 'S.O.Bs' threw at him.

Winner of the Tom Garrod award: Faced with an inevitable conclusion, Brandi sneakily decided to forget about this usual post-game ritual. Therefore it gives me great pleasure in nominating our captain for abandoning his social, and taking the fact that we all felt sick after last week's game literally, by blowing chunks upon his return home... Touchdown Redskins.

Report: Definitely two points lost. In the first half we produced some of our best hockey so far this season, which made the final result slightly galling. However if we keep playing this well the wins will start coming again.

We knew what to expect from Kenley having battled against their somewhat unique brand of hockey last season. We came out quickly with an adjusted formation and created a host of chances, with the opposition GK keeping them in it. Matty Mabin sealed his debut for the 2s with two well-taken goals (especially the second on the reverse). However, we imploded for about 15 minutes and let them sneak a draw. It was like last season all over again.

Special mentions:
Matt Mabin: Not content with beginning life in the 2s with a brace, he decided to treat his new teammates with an impromptu rendition of 'the worm' in the D. A gesture appreciated by all.

Brandi: For completely losing the plot with about 5 minutes to go. with a foul-mouthed tirade that would make Gordon Ramsey blush. Combine this with the fact that he abandoned his own social before it even started, and he has a real fight on his hands to avoid wearing the Muppet gear next week.

Winner of the Tom Garrod Award:
Matt Mabin: for the previously mentioned dance moves, and for arriving late. Must've spent too much time perfecting his Rod Stewart tribute hair cut.

Thanks to MoonPig for umpiring.

See you at training.

Report: Who on earth decided to make hockey a winter sport?

A real battle of attrition this one, with neither team playing very much hockey, and lots of moaning at umpires throughout in order to keep warm and vent some frustration. We played very much like the away side, trying to hit an annoyingly effective Woking side on the break with pace. To an extent this was relatively successful with a number of chances carved out - but no real cutting edge.

The one-armed Bandit got the goal in the second half, from what must have been our 247th short-corner. We were close to holding out for what would have been a slightly flattering victory before Brandi placed his sized 10s into proceedings with less than 10 minutes to go. The result? A flick, which was duly converted.

We certainly finished the stronger, with Oli Perez, Super Mario and QT all having chances before full time (plus a few more short-corners), but at the end I think we were all glad to retire to the warm clubhouse.

Special mentions:

1) Gaystacks for saving a goal-bound Cheam shot on the line. (I believe he will be lining up for Woking's back-four next week)

2) Brandi for forgetting the away shirts, and devising a series of random nicknames for squad members, leading to no-body in the squad knowing who is playing on the team e-mails.

3) And to all those who braved the 'refreshing' showers at the end.
(Also thanks to Derry for umpiring)

So lots to work on at training, but we're still unbeaten with Kenley up next.

Report: After two consecutive promotions and a relatively small squad the general consensus is that this season could be a real test for the Crazy 2s. The investment of Russian billions over the summer brought new recruits Mark WS, Julio and Gilmore - who all stepped up with impressive games, as we kept our tremendous league form going.

After a powerful first half display, we were 2 goals up and rather enjoying life in Surrey Div 4. With last season's short corner routines often causing farcical scenes, picture the shock on everyone's face when QT slotted home the first from a text-book short corner. The Badger treated us to another, frankly pathetic bout of goal-celebrating as he made it 2-0 from close range. It seemed like game over.

With Sunbury confined to their own 25 for long periods, a plethora of chances came and went. However a mad 10 minutes allowed Sunbury back into the game and at 2-2 it looked as though Sunbury might escape The Fortress with the most unlikely of points. The billionare owners were getting nervous, and within seconds, thousands of Newcastle Utd fans were gathering outside the ground in protest.

With minutes to go a hero was needed, and up stepped debutant Gilmore to steal in from left-back to poke in the winner and justify his obscene transfer fee.

Special mentions go to Brandi's defying of medical science to make an appearance and an excellent winger's performance from Oli Perez, which must have made his marker seriously consider taking up football.

Champagne Moment: With time running out Gilmore slots in the winner through the keeper's legs for a debut goal. And the celebration? The nonchalant shrug of a 30 goal a season striker.

Muppet of the Match: A landslide victory for Subbuteo, whose choice of headwear was, shall we say, ill-advised on a hot Autumn day.