Cheam Mens 2nd XI 2006/7

Match report by the anonymous match report monkey

Report: We Won! There was much rejoicing! Coxy came to watch!

Muppet of the Match: Can't remember. Probably me for writing such a lame match report two weeks after the game. Shame you don't know who's writing it! Ha ha ha.

Champagne Moment: Sparky's efforts were pretty special.

Match report by Ian

Report: It was Fortress Nonsuch day today. Inspired by a victorious battling performance by the Ladies 1 and as a prelude the championship clash for the Mens 3's, the 2s set about Merton like winning was the only option. And true enough, it was.

In our corner of Henry VIII's old stomping ground the 2s were invisible today because the teamwork and attacking flare from every single player was just unstoppable. The only thing that stood in the way of us and a hat full of goals was Merton's fast and brave keeper who used every part of his body to stop shot after shot (yes, including his box and there was, of course, a short recess after that).

When we didn't have the ball we defended as a unit, and when we did, attacking options opened up left, right and straight ahead. Great performances from Paul and Tom in positions they're not used to, and a polished effort from everyone else.

Great (near)finish to the season. Let's finish the job next week then party like we mean it on the 14th. Next season ... new teams, new challenge. We're ready.

Muppet of the Match: For the second week in a row it goes to Didier. First he's one on one with the keeper but to get round Didier relies on football dribbling skills. When the whistle goes and â,ofeet' is awarded Didier cries out is utter surprise, but across the pitch players turn to each other and say "even I saw that from here". (Even Frosty saw it). Then we have the goal from the most acute angle yet, followed by the argument that it was a shot even though we think it's actually impossible to score from the back line without that deflection off the keeper. And finally, without assistance or influence Didier walks into the changing room door and injures a knee. I rest my case.

Champagne Moment: It was almost as if we were trying to do what we practice in training (as mad as that seems). Ball played square and straight out wide on the left. Subbuteo nips round one player then fires in a strong pass to Llama on the top of the D. A quick turn and strike on goal had the keeper stranded and the ball in the back of the net. A Bollinger 1997 award and and a bottle of wine from Craigy (never bet Derry on how many goals he's going to score).

Match report by Gerry

Report: It must be something about Horley that lulls the 2s to sleep at the start of our matches. As with the home leg earlier in the season the Cheetahs started slow. The first half was played in virtual silence and Cheam being asleep and Horely tiptoeing around trying not to wake the sleeping giant. And as with our previous game Horely pounced first to score a deserved (but a bit lucky) opener.

Then as the second half got underway there was a loud rumble and the sleeping giant awoke, got up, stretched, and thundered into action. Derry showed us the way with a brilliant run from the left and passed the ball past the keeper into the goal, then Ed smashed one from the right into the far corner. Phil chose option 17a from our short corner repertoire to bag his contribution and Didier finally got the goal he needed to stay ahead in the golden stick parade.

A moment's lapse in concentration let H in for their second but it didn't matter in the end as the Champagne flowed for the win that gives us an unassailable lead over the best of the rest. Promotion is ours.

Muppet of the Match: There are a few essentials required for playing hockey, clothes being one of them! This week Didier decided to pitch up without his. At the risk of seeing him attempt to play in just his underpants a makeshift kit was assembled but borrowing Gary's shirt did come with the worry that he might get lost between ends at half time. Fortunately he didn't.

Champagne Moment: Securing promotion is a Champagne Moment worth celebrating, and to celebrate it a special Sainsbury's Magnum of Champagne Award goes to Frosty for popping open a bottle fizz so we could celebrate in style. A great moment to remember.

Match report by Ian

Report: We should always be looking for improvements so trying out new formations is always a good thing. But our first half line up of 9 players on the field and 4 still in Gary's car lost somewhere between Cheam and Roehampton was perhaps not the strongest option we could have selected. None the less, by halftime - when the Minky Boy finally managed to get the rest of the team to the ground - we were already 2-0 up.

The welcome return of Super Mario from his sub-continental travels meant the midfield master pairing of Obi-wan and the Ted was reformed and quickly took control. With this power house in the middle the Cheetah's natural attacking play became the order of the day and all our goals were set up by expansive play up either wing. The eventual arrival of the youngster contingent (we really must learn to put less people in Gary's car) only added to the skills level with Tom and Matt terrorising the top of the D and Craig becoming a real threat on the left side of the goal. Although Tom's fixation on combining hockey with ballet pirouettes was a bit of a worry at times.

A good win built on a good team performance.

Thanks to KP for getting up early and blowing the whistle for us.

Muppet of the Match: There were loads of reasons for voting for Tom this week but his unnerving reluctance to side step claims of navigational frailty perhaps saved him. More of us were happy to keep up with tradition and elect Gary for the award for getting lost, even within half a mile of the ground. He somewhat made up for it by stepping in at left back and launching some blistering attacks from there.

Champagne Moment: A quite outstanding goal. The ball was won in the midfield. Obi-wan slipped a pass to the Silver Fox on the right. Pushing the ball forward through a gap found the Bandit in space to drive down the wing and whip in a wicked cross to the top of the D where the Llama's perfect one-touch instinctive strike curled the ball passed the diving keeper and just inside the post. A moment with Dom Perignon 1995 splashed all over it.

Match report by Big Phil

Report: Alan Hansen famously once said, "You'll never win anything with kids" and a theory undermined by the success of Gary Glitter's Cambodian 5-a-side team - and on Saturday Cheam 2s further debunked Hansen's nonsensical ramblings with a comprehensive friendly victory over local rivals Merton Boers.

With a mix of regulars and 3rd team youth we set about taking on our full strength Afrikaans friends. The game started at a hectic pace and the early stages had the feel of a game that would be goal-laden but despite chances at either end the first half ended goalless.

The second half started well for Cheam with Gary finishing off a sweeping move from the right (Charlotte would be proud) as the team began to gel. Merton hit back with an equaliser after a bit of hesitation from a long corner but Oli Perez soon restored Cheam's advantage with a rebound from a fiercely struck short corner.

The last 5 minutes descended into a small amount of farce as the Merton keeper went off injured and left the goal free for Tom to make it 3-1 (Simon Heller was unlucky not to claim the goal, getting there just too late to usher the ball over the line). Whilst the 3rd goal was no less than Cheam deserved, the 4th possibly flattered the visitors but under the circumstances it deserves a paragraph all to itself.

With their keeper off looking after his knee (and stoking up a braii for some post match biltong no doubt) Cheam pressed forward and a shot came in from the edge of the D. Sensibly Merton had left a defender on the line and he calmly stopped the shot, looked up to survey the scene and had time to note there was no-one around and sum up the three options that faced him.

Option 1: Push the ball away from goal, out of the D and to safety.
Option 2: Dribble away from goal, out of the D and to safety.
Option 3: Line up the biggest hit possible, totally miss the ball and allow stick to fly out of hand, off the pitch and only just stay in the cage.

The sniggers that followed from both sides as Goldie ran in to tap the 4th goal home into an unguarded net were enough to confirm that Option 3 was probably a mistake but one that won't be forgotten for a long time by anyone there.

A magnificent performance by the 2s who gelled superbly and thoroughly deserved their victory. I've said it before and I'll say it again - what does Alan Hansen know?

Champagne Moment/Muppet of the Match: – An all in one today thanks to Matt of Merton and his stick flinging assist for our fourth goal. A Happy Shopper Sham-Pain if ever I saw one.

Match report by Ian

Report: The weekend we play the league leaders was perhaps not the best time to be beset by injuries and absences, and by the 1’s nicking players to prop up their own ailing side.  On top of that, loosing two players to injury during the game and one through a little yellow cardage also didn’t help, however, despite all this we scored first (brilliant goal by Ed) and were on top during some extended spells during the match.  When we drew level at 2-2 in the second half (cool shorty finish by Derry) the game was in the balance.  But that’s when change was forced by first Sparky finally falling to pieces (the stitches in the head and the ball in the chest/chin area he could handle but it was his back that gave way in the end), and then Minky Boy turning an ankle.  Even down to 10 men there were still flashes of brilliance but the win was by then out of reach, then going down to 9 was just too few to keep out a side like Sunbury.

Well played Sunbury you have a strong squad there.  It would have been nice to play you at our full strength.  Perhaps we’ll meet again next year.  Oh, and as always, great teas and a warm welcome at the bar.  Thanks.

Also thanks to Bob for travelling up and umpiring for us.  Great job.  And thanks to the travelling supporters – you definitely gave us a lift.

Muppet of the Match: Standing within kicking distance of Frosty when he hoofs a clearance from the D is not advisable.  It wasn’t clear if it was the ball the hit Sparky in the chest or Frosty’s boot.  Either way a little nibble of the keeper’s kickers during the match was enough to award Sparky a painful Muppet award.

Champagne Moment: While chasing the game we let Sunbury break in numbers.  They passed to the top of the D and let rip with a shot to the top corner, but a flying Frosty met the ball in mid air tipping it over the bar.  Quite outstanding and with everyone looking it was easily awarded a Dom Perignon 1995

Match report by Ian

Report: Awesome. What more can I say?
(I was going to say "Gob-smacking", but it hit Sparky in the head not the gob!)

Muppet of the Match: People were concentrating too much on playing an outstanding game to do any stupid things this weekend.

Champagne Moment: Ed gave us plenty of Champagne Moments today, but the one that counts was his run from our half out to the wing than back into the middle, passing defenders as he goes then as he pushed into the circle he slips a pass to Matt who smack the ball home with ease. A joy to watch. A Bollinger 1997.

Match report by Ian

Report: First up, credit to W&W who definitely did not have luck running for them this weekend but still played in good spirit and with a smile. Very impressive.

That said, this wasn't a game won on luck. This was the fluid passing play we've been aiming at and would have been enough to beat anyone. Passing into space and running off the ball lead to every one of our nine well taken goals, and it was only our defender's eagerness to get in on the action that lead to Sparky having a busier day than he might have. The new free-hit routine showed promise (and gave the oppo a laugh!) and the Didier / Derry strike force found their aggressive best again. Our Minky-Boy was in the goals again (a reward for curbing that fancy bouncy stuff - keep it up Gary) and Doug put in a strong performance to start his return from injury (without a hangover this time). Solid performance all round.

All in all it was a performance only deflated by the lack of air in the warm up rugby ball. Better to be out of puff before the game than during it, I suppose.

Muppet of the Match: All those that didn't want to get their shoes dirty by warming up on the grass. Worryingly, too many to mention.

Champagne Moment: As the free-hit-just-outside-the-D routine was so carefully planned before the match nothing could possible go wrong and and I guess it didn't really. In the ensuing muddle that preceded our first attempt only two players remembered what to do. While others were (dis)organising themselves Doug smashed in the ball hard and low for Neil to deflect it over the stretching keeper and into the net. Perfect. An absolutely unstoppable Bollinger 1997.

Match report by Ian

Report: It was an odd performance this one. We started well and for 20 minutes or so things went to plan. Passing great. Calling good. Positional play excellent and support play on the up. It all resulted in brilliant attacking play and a classically simple goal. But then, although the wheels didn't exactly fall off, they certainly went a bit wobbly. Passing went to pieces, positional play went walk-about (in honour of Australia Day I guess), the shooting radar switch off, and big gaps appeared everywhere cool stuff should have been happening. Despite all this we still got another goal, so something was going right, but exactly what wasn't clear. Ok, so a sub would have helped tired legs and absences did force some changes in the squad so things weren't normal. Anyway, a win's a win. Remember the good stuff, and learn from the bad. Next week we'll be back to our best.

A good debut from Simon who certainly had the legs for the acres of space he found out on the right.

Thanks to Woking. Always a warm welcome and some very tasty teas.

Muppet of the Match: Home and Away. Not only an Ozzy soap but also one of those difficult questions in life. For confusing the two this week's Muppet is Gillo.

Champagne Moment: For converting a bouncing looping miss-hit from a short corner into a very much needed goal Big Phil's reverse swing clip shot/pass (whatever it was) into the goal win's a Mof«t & Chandon

Match report by Ian

Report: "We have the tools, we have the talent"-.(Ghostbusters 1984)

For more than half the match we played the game we planned to. And boy, did it work!

Keep coming to practice and it will get even better.

Well played everyone (especially the Sparkster in goal). And well played Teddington. A friendly team and a pleasure to play against.

A special thanks to Tiff. Absolute quality umpiring.

Muppet of the Match: For splitting open his head with his own stick this weeks Muppet award has to go to the Bandit. But a close second is Paul for that quality bandaging of the wound and you must have missed that lesson at medical school then?

Extra Info: Derry missed a penalty!!

Match report by Ian

Report: A right muddle of a match and no mistake. - Match abandoned

Traffic problems, an over running preceding game, no umpire then 2 all at once, and failing lights were compounded by perhaps our worst performance of the year. And it all ended in a bit of a farce in the dark. (For those that didn't notice, the lights came on again just as the last few cars were driving away)

But, lets look at the positives. Yes, we played badly. But even so, despite the dubious first goal the two teams had a fairly even number of chances on goal. On reflection I'd say that's because even though we didn't keep our shape very well we still chased down most of the oppo's attacks and when we did string together a break it was good and effective and like we know we can be. With 15 minutes still to play there was every chance we would put one of these attacks away and then it would have been anyone's game.

For those that made it back to the Reigate club house there was a warm and friendly welcome and a good choice of teas. A replay would be good just to have a few more beers with the Reigate boys in better circumstances.

Muppet of the Match: For attempting to cover-drive the ball for six over the length of the pitch after the whistle had gone this week's Muppet is Ted.

Champagne Moment: For succeeding to cover-drive the ball the entire length of the pitch and over the fence Ted wins the Happy Shopper Sham-pain award.

Match report by Ian

Report: Hi, my name's Orange and I may be only a hockey stick but I've had the most amazing few days. In the months before Christmas I was in a nice warm shop with lots of other sticks. I had some great mates there, but with so many of us hanging around in such cramped conditions the social politics was just awful. I was pleased when this giant Llama came to take me away to start my playing career.

My first outing was soon after Christmas and I had a ball. I hit 4 goals, and have been proud to be the subject of lots of talk and a few website inches ever since. But today was my important debut for my new team and I was somewhat nervous this morning about how my new team mates would take to me. I was relieved to find that I wasn't the only new stick on the block and as it turned out it was my strike partner Whitey who was also new and together we made quite a good impression. My only concern was that some of the humans were talking about putting batteries in us new sticks and I'm a little worried where they're going to stick them. Hopefully they know we don't need batteries really!

Anyway this was a great game to start my team career with. All the other sticks were great at passing and supporting each other and they made special effort to help Whitey and I settle into the team. The standard of hockey was great and despite the wet weather the teamwork was perfect, but oddly this seemed to surprise the human members of the team - perhaps that's what these humans call humour.

I did my best and managed to repay the team with three goals, while Whitey got the other two, which was good because apparently I'm in competition with Whitey over the season. My only worry is someone said I've only got 50 goals in me and I've already scored 7. Perhaps I'll take next week off!

Muppet of the Match: Note to self - don't use hockey stick as Javelin! It's frustrating to fluff an important pass especially when in good attacking positions. Of course, when this happens it's a natural instinct to angrily throw your stick into the fence. Unfortunately for the Silver Fox the ball hadn't left the pitch and, as he found out, defending without a stick was rather hopeless. What a Muppet.

Champagne Moment: The slickest team goal you'll ever see. Charlotte would have been proud. The Cheetah defence won the ball deep in our own half. Triangular passing moved the ball up the left to halfway where it was switched into the middle. Confident interplay between midfielders created an easy pass into space on the left where the left winger drove into the D. A firm pass back across the circle was perfect for Derry to just lean a stick on it to deflect in goal number 4. Even the oppo said it was a great goal. Total possession hockey. A Dom Perignon 1995 for the team.

Match report by Ian

Report: Disappointing, but despite all that well intentioned doom and gloom from our illustrious spectator after the match there were some better performances today, and some of the new things we've been working on started to pay off. As a conservative estimate I'd say we had 70% of the possession and probably the same amount of territorial advantage. Oddly for the Cheetahs we just couldn't find the goal today.

A 2's welcome to Dougs and a welcome return to Aaron (who's becoming a goal-scoring machine this year!) helped shore up our depleted defence, and also welcome back to Minky Boy after a 4 week lay off.

Let's keep working on this and the real rewards will come.

Enough said. Have a good Christmas, and keep fit!!

Muppet of the Match: Didier strikes again. The ball's pinging around the crowded D before drifting over the back line. Everyone (umpire, defenders at the other end, spectators on the sideline, even the crowd in the stadium next door) sees the ball well over the line but a late lunge recovers it from the dead ball area and somehow it ends up in the goal. A very enthusiastic but very much alone shout goes up to claim the goal. Every one turns to see a sheepish Didier trying to pretend he hadn't seen the ball over the line! Nice one fella, but this ain't "ice" hockey!

Champagne Moment: That's how to defend Penalty Corners! Second half, and Merton have a P Corner. We line up to defend, Merton line up to strike. The ball comes in and the Bandit is off like a shot. He reached the top of the D almost at the same time as the ball and with that one-handed lunge robs the ball clean off the Merton stopper. Within a blink of an eye he's off, galloping up the field and into the D at the other end. If his shot had gone in it would have been the best Champagne Moment we'd ever had. As it is it's well worth a Bollinger 1997.

Match report by Ian

Report: This was too good a performance for me to write silly things about it. Pushed into playing well by a skilful Horely team the Cheetahs responded well, but not after Horley's very much deserved opening goal had us 1-0 down after 10 minutes. It could have been more, but for good saves by Frosty and some desperate defensive work. Being rusty from a week off and having a few changes to the squad may have contributed to the slow start, but as the half wore on there was a dramatic change in our performance and we took control. Passing was crisp, support play was there and with that we quickly turned possession into pressure and eventually goals.

The pivotal moment was perhaps the p-flick. Score was 1-1 and the game stood in the balance when the whistle went. The winner of this moment was likely to be the winner of the match. Without a second glance Matt stepped up to the plate, faced down the keeper and buried the ball into the bottom left hand corner. 2-1 and the game was ours.

Three second half goals came from great play. Remember this performance it was serve us well in the weeks to come.

Muppet of the Match: Didier (Drogba). Major gained a new nickname today. It was awarded by the oppo and well deserved. A little tap in a tackle and our Didier was horizontal through the air. Fortunately there were no amateur dramatics rolling around holding a leg like the real Didi, but we are now researching the family archives looking for genetic links to the Ivory Coast or footballers.

Champagne Moment: Didier's third goal was the most perfectly worked hockey you will ever see. From the middle of the park the Bandit picked up the ball, ran wide down the right and smacked a hard fast pass from the by-line back across the D. Quickly into position Matt took one step and clipped the ball into the back of the net. Defenders and keeper had no chance. It might almost have been like we practice this every training or something!! Brilliant. Definitely a Bollinger 1997.

Match report by Ian

Report: Anti-inflationary fiscal policies kept interest down and markets stable for much of the first half. The only bright point in otherwise suppressed trading conditions was the long awaited goal scoring dept recovery by the Mad Dog on his return.

At half time the shareholders held crises talks and brought in key reorganisations in our risk balanced portfolio and the team's main profit recovery resources were re-deployed to better respond to the bear financial conditions.

The changes brought about rewarding returns and profits mounted steadily throughout the second half, unchecked by penalty, windfall taxes or direct losses. Bottom line insurance cover was called into play on a few occasions (and he made some cracking saves) and dividends were converted into capital on four occasions, which, added to returns in the first half, led to a pleasing 5-0 out turn to an improving team performance.

Muppet of the Match: Three things did it for Derry this week. First a quite dramatic shearing off of all his Llama wool (someone's getting a warm woolly jumper this Christmas) was a bit of a shock. Then (and perhaps because the cold was getting to his brain) he failed to make contact with an enormously dramatic reverse-stick-sweep in front of the goal (and worse, in front of a crowd of the firsts who just fell about laughing and thanks for the moral support guys). And finally, in the bar afterwards he tried to switch the TV over to the Welsh rugby only to find - well those of you who were there will know what he found!!

Champagne Moment: In a tight first half the difference was a great strike from â,onew-boy' Mad Dog which slipped through the tightest of spaces between keeper and post, and gave us the edge. A Moet and Chandon moment.

Match report by Ian

Report: Grass. The final frontier. Stardate eleven eleven oh-six. These are the voyages of starship Cheetah 2 on a one-week mission through space and time to discover what it was like to play on grass all those years ago. With fortuitous weather our launch window was brought forward and we executed a faultless take off from the Cheam spaceport. Our destination, the planet Hersham. Flight time was rapid although our fleet became fragmented when passing through the Tolworth nebula and the Esher asteroid belt. Major Matt suffering most when the navi-com in his star-destroyer Big-Beemer-1 failed to accurately lock onto the Hersham system and he had to be talked down using mobile communication devices.

Eventually the fleet landed in scattered formation around Hersham and sent out roving foot patrols to converge on the allocated lunar playing surface (fighter pilots Goldie and Gary being delayed on local swings and climbing frames). Reconnaissance confirmed the surface was scarred with craters from earlier hockey activity and the playing area and surrounding land was covered by a carpet of strange some-what furry green filaments. Analysis of samples later confirmed this to be Grass.

Our next task was to work out how to play hockey in this alien environment. Early attempts proved comical to say the least with the team often sending lumps of the Hersham landscape flying further than the ball, but eventually adjustments were made and a level of control finally obtained.

As match time approached an opposition and some goals appeared and at the allotted time sport commenced. The game was eventful for a number of reasons and the opposition were good sportsmen even though they were playing under difficult circumstance. Play was sporadic with flowing attacks stopped short by control errors brought about by a worsening surface, but by the end we had amassed enough goals to be clear winners.

On retiring to the bar we found the fabled Hersham hospitality was as good as remembered, and hearty teas were enjoyed by all. As the Hersham sun began setting and a gloom descended on this land of furry green filaments we set out on the return journey to our naturally synthetic world of plastic pitches. Again, only the Major had some difficulty on the homeward journey when an alien amoeba (aka the Hersham council) trapped Big-Beemer-1 in the car park with a rudimentary force field and demanded payment before releasing it.

Back at the Cheam spaceport we enthralled all and eventually emptied the bar with our tales of alien landscapes and the hardships of a life on Grass.

Muppet of the Match: Too many options to mention them all here, but there was a real case for our first case of voting for a non-team member this week. But in a tight race captain Derry Llama won the award for thoughtfully phoning home just to say that he's forgotten what he was phoning about and would have to phone again. Perhaps phoning ahead to say you'll be phoning to say something in a minute or two is the ultimate in polite telephone behaviour?

Champagne Moment: It's not just one moment this week by 5. That's to say our CM is spread over the first 5 minutes of the match, because, despite playing on grass Derry had netted 4 goals before the end of the fifth minute and for that deserves a Bollinger 1997. (Derry just pips Matt's awesome goal from another ridiculously tight angle to this week's award).

Match report by Ian

Report: Ok. So a few injuries and absences forced a few alterations to the killer Cheetahs line up, but this didn't go according to plan. A slow start was our undoing. Other than that an even match. Use the pain and come back stronger.

Here's what others, more eloquent than me, have to say on the matter:

"If you can't make a mistake, you can't make anything"

"It's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up again"

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though chequered by failure, than to rank with those who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they know neither victory nor defeat."

We know what we've got to do next -. win again

Match report by Ian

Report: Tough and gritty. It's winning the hard-yards that's going to be where this league is won or lost and and we made these into very hard yards. This week when the Cheetahs pushed hard Old Mids pushed back and it was only the solid determination of a team ready for promotion that allowed us to grind out this victory.

But a win is a win and the Cheam machine rolls on thanks of course to our harmonious balance between the Three Pillars of Hockey Success. As you all must know these were defined by the famous hockey hermit of the Hebrides and have formed the bases for all successful hockey teams throughout history, or at least since the beginning of the season.

Pillar One is the unholy alignment of keeper and backs that lays down the rock solid foundation of the defensive federation.

Pillar Two is the engine room of the successful team where energetic halves are pulled backwards and forwards by the ever increasing demands of attacking and defensive motivations. Pillar Two is where the hockey hermit defined players as being prepared to run their b****cks off for the team.

Pillar Three is where power and finesse go hand in padded left glove and where the divas of the hockey world remain ever positive that the next time that goal will surely come.

Of course the win today was nothing to do with any of this rubbish. It was because we dug deep and when the opportunity was created Matt and Derry gave us two well-deserved goals. The sometime fractious and un-Cheetahs like play didn't do anything to help our performance so there's no need continue with that experiment.

Some tougher tests still to come. Bring them on. The ones haven't lost yet and neither have we. The mighty 2s are just not going to be the first crack.

Muppet of the Match: the 2s sustained assault (insult) on Goldie's wardrobe was intensified today, but if he continues to wear his PJs to matches who can blame us. This time however the young Mr G managed to bust out the crotch of his baggy PJs while in the club house. Unfortunately as this is a family show you will have to make your own punch line to that!

Match report by Ian

Report: A slow steady start that grew into a torrent of goal scoring excellence by the second half. Three dramatic goals (was it a competition to see who could score from the tightest angle?) were the difference between the two teams at half time. But with a simplification of our hockey (those killer balls are just so passf© these days guys) the Cheetahs stepped up a level and were almost scoring at will midway through the second half. Allowing the ball to do the work meant the intensity levels could remain high right to the end and a well deserved win turned into a hat full of goals.

Many happy returns to Aaron for scoring on his birthday (that's a total of 2 for Cheam now, he's a goal scoring machine) and also to little Matt for scoring on the day after his 14th birthday (shall we not mention that your mum scored more, eh?). And a big-up to the Major for his second hat trick for the 2s. The other goals were exquisite from Bandit (using only one hand of course) and Obi-Wan, and jug avoiding double strikes from Goldie and the Llama. (Hey, don't you think that "Goldie and the Llama" sounds like a great title for a cute little fairy story? Once upon a time there was a cute little fairy called --)

Many thanks to those who stayed on to support from the sideline and both the encouragement and the abuse make a big difference. And many thanks to Bob for umpiring (you weren't the only one to lose track of the score)

Muppet of the Match: with a clash of colours W&W changed to white shirts for the match. Therefore, it was not exactly the greatest help when Big Phil directs our defensive marking by shouting, "yours is the one in the white"! Trying to deny it afterwards didn't help avoid the Muppet award this week. Nice one Phil.

Champagne Moment: Two moments of brilliance stood out today. Firstly a strong pass across the circle was going wide except for a dramatic sliding dive by a speeding little Matt. It was fantastic and would have been a real contender for our CM except the keeper saved it. So this week's award goes to Obi-Wan for his instant reactions (feel the force) as he leapt high into the air wielding his stick like a light sabre to first control then smack home a quite brilliant goal before landing again. Awarded a Bollinger 1997.

Match report by Ian

Report: You've heard of a stealth plane, and James Bond confronted a stealth boat in one of his movies. Well today we were a stealth hockey team - winning in almost total silence. Perhaps it was the unnerving calm or the apparent telepathy that somehow guided every pass that unsettled the oppo enough give us the edge, but whatever it was it worked. Again the Cheetah's dominated proceedings and deserved another crucial victory to keep us top of the table.

A new formation was a little odd but we worked round it and eventually the goals came. Derry opened his league account with two crackers in the first half while Matt and Neil found the target in the second to keep the leading-scorer competition interesting. But, despite the lack of verbal communication it was a mobile team performance that won the day. The more we train and the more we play the better this is getting, but, guys, please keep talking, it's just too spooky to play in silence.

Thanks again to Tristram for umpiring and a warm welcome to Bob for his first league run out with the Tremendous Twos.

Muppet of the Match: Nothing really hit Muppet levels today (which is a good thing, I guess) therefore this week's award must fall to the only (partial) contender. - Woking are on the attack, but a long pass overruns into the Cheetah's D where the Silver Fox safely intercepts it. Under little pressure he looks up to start an attack then steps on the ball, leaving it stationary just inside the D. The forlorn glance at the umpire only found that he'd seen it and was already blowing for a short. (Now, come on, it's and easy mistake to make lads!!)

Match report by Foxy

Report: There were a few changes this week so we weren't quite the well oiled machine that we know we can be, but never doubt that quality will shine through in the end and that's what happened today. A slow start by the Cheetahs made the game even for much of the first half. Solid defence and the occasional outstanding save from Frosty kept our end sown up and a high energy display from Athers and Gary in the middle kept the oppo honest. But finishing proved tricky against a well disciplined Teddington side. That was until Gary hit the sweetest shot from the top of the D to give the 2s a 1-0 lead at half time.

Our half time talk proved right - we were the fastest, we were fit and we were the strongest. It was only a matter of time. Delivery of the win came from, firstly Matt from the widest of angles that we all were screaming for him to pass, but he didn't and the ball nearly knocked a hole though the backboard. Then in a crowded D Mario's delicate flick sent number 3 over the keeper and into the back of the net and it was so cool it was super Mario.

There were loads more chances but again, this game was won because the Cheetahs gelled as a team. Everyone played their part, even though substitutions caused many to rotate positions but we proved adaptable and above all strong. It's onwards and upward from here.

Muppet of the Match: It was a momentous occasion, but we're proud that Athers finally came to terms with his fetish and stepped out wearing women's clothing in public for the first time. To mark the occasion the team could think of no more fitting reward that the Muppet of the Match (Miss Piggy springs to mind). Arriving to the match without his home shirt Athers had to borrow one. The one he was given was so small it was barely more than a boob-tube, however, thanks to years of practice, he readily squeezed into it and started the match. The spectacle of our central midfielder showing off every single one of his curves was only hidden by the pink shirts of our opposition, but perhaps the bigger question must be why one of our team had a ladies shirt in his bag in the first place!!

Champagne Moment: There were loads to chose from this week and all deserving a mention. There were three excellent goals, and one oh-so-close miss from Neil that must have brushed the outside of the post. Then there were the quite outstanding teas laid on by Teddington. But the most miraculous thing to happen today and our Champagne Moment by far was Gary not only managing to find his way from Gloucester to Teddington but also getting there before the match. The only reason this miraculous feat doesn't get our very top award is he used TomTom on his phone, but even so it's got to be worth a Bollinger 1997!!

Match report by Silver Fox

Report: We were impressive today. A high tempo up-beat performance that was fun to be part of. Ok, perhaps the start was a bit slow but we eventually got into our stride and by the end we were rocking. To be fair Reigate gave us a better battle than we had perhaps expected and made us raise our game. And it's not surprising that we still have a few rusty edges that need sharpening up but all in all there's a mighty force in this 2s side that's just waiting to be unleashed. Even the 1s captain must have heard, or why else would he came down to check us out just in case there's another 1s v 2s match this year

First half started an even contest. End to end stuff on a warm and sunny morning kept both midfields busy but the fast-breaking Cheam machine soon found it's touch and pressure eventually led to our opening goal by big-Matt. After a few more chances, that was pretty much that for the first half and 1-0 at halftime was a fair result. Some wise words from Shagger put right a few of our wrongs and the Cheetahs took control in the second half. Good ball retention led to plenty of chances but all our shots seemed to go just wide or bounce off the woodwork until Coleman stepped up to rocket home our second from the top of the D. Big-Matt chipped in with his second (an outstanding high slow lob over the diving keeper) to secure all the points before Coleman smashed a second only to have it disallowed just because he'd sent it flying dangerously through a crowded area and into the roof of the net. (Yes, of course he then complained about it for hours afterwards).

There are sterner tests to come but a great start.

Team: Frosty, Aaron, Ted, Paul, Ian, Neil, Gary, Llama, Goldie, Rich C, Bandit, Matt (big), Matt (Little)

Muppet of the Match: There wasn't a whole lot going on in the Muppet stakes this week. The best we could come up with was Gary forgetting the oranges and getting booked. That was until Goldie walked in wearing a fetching pair of white pyjamas. There was some lame excuse that it was all he had in his locker but you've got to wonder what they were doing in his locker in the first place. Jon, if you're thinking of a career in alternative comedy that's fine by us and there's not need to hide it.

Match report by Ian

Report: This was always going to be a big test. Our oppo will be playing in Div 1 and as we are in Div 6 we weren't going to repeat last week's result. To put it in football terms, today's match is rather like Portsmouth taking on Bognor Regis Town. That said, we played some cracking hockey and despite the small matter of not actually scoring ourselves and them scoring 3 times, we nearly won that match. Little old Bognor did real good. The Cheetahs forced this into a contest because throughout the match our passing was crisp, running intense (and it was flipping hot), calling loud (at times) and team sprit sky high. All we lacked was for our forwards to aim between the posts and under the crossbar!! (Didn't you get enough practice last week?)

Forget the score line. This was damn good. Yes there're some improvements to make but just look at the potential. Next week the league starts. Bring it on-!

Team: Frosty, Sparky, Ted, Big Phil, Foxy, Neil, Gary, Llama, Goldie, Rich C, Athers, Bandit, Paul

Muppet of the Match: At your 21st birthday bash you are allowed to act like a Muppet (it's almost a rule), your can wear what you want (even if it is a School Disco) and go to sleep in the car park if you feel like it. But describing to every one, and particularly your girlfriend and her mum just how much you â,oappreciate' two of Lindsay Lohan's physical assets is too much. You Muppet Gary!

Champagne Moment: Derry is getting fairly good at those long aerial balls deep into the oppo's half - but not today. In the heart of our defence with forwards bearing down on him D decided to take the high route out of trouble. With an almighty heave he managed to shift the balls about 3 inches into the air and 2 feet forwards. Just enough in fact for a W&W forward to collect it and run on to score. Definitely a Happy Shopper Sham-pain moment if ever there was one.

Match report by Ian

Report: Oh my goodness!! Even the umpires lost count of the number of goals scored today. To work out the result we had to count-back each scorer. As it turned out both Neil and Coleman hit hat-tricks, Gary and Ally smashed two each and Derry and Gillo netted a goal a piece. That makes 12 in all. Yes, you read right and that's 12 goals - all in the same match. Awesome performance guys and real killer instinct. From start to finish the 2s never let up. These warm-up matches are aimed at getting us organised and working as a unit and today worked perfectly. It was a shame we had to demolish Leatherhead in the process as they are a good, friendly side who play an attractive style of hockey, but there are a heap of league fixtures looming and the Cheetahs intend to do well, so there's going to be no let up. Winning is a habit that we intend to keep.

There were too many highlights to mention here and you will have to remember your own. But one special goal is worth a mention. The Cheetahs were pressing into the Leatherhead half and the oppo were penned in their own D. Shots had only found the pads of an outstanding keeper, so something unusual was needed. From the top-right of the D the pass was hard and fast at the p-spot where a deflection took it towards the back post. It would have missed except that Alex G had sneaked up from left-back to knock in his first goal for Cheam. A well deserved goal, but we clearly need to talk about exactly where a left back should be standing!! Well played fella.

By the way, the next time you see them do ask Sparky to talk you through the moment Neil robbed him of a goal by diverting a wicked shot around the post, and ask Derry to explain why exactly he was intent on knocking holes through the keeper rather than aiming for the spaces around him.

Team: Krish (never touched the ball), Sparky, Ted, Gillo, Foxy, Zippy, Neil, Birthday Boy (Gary), Llama, Goldie, Ally, Rich C.

Muppet of the Match: On his 21st birthday we so desperately wanted to award this week's Muppet to Gary, but it wasn't to be. Instead our other birthday boy, Sparky, claimed the first Muppet award for himself. It all started with the good intention of getting a team photo for the website (other teams please note your photos are needed too). After the game, Sparky organised us all into position and made arrangements with a kind lady warming up for the following match to take the snap. We all waited, trying to decide which knee to kneel on, while Sparky quickly presented the degree course needed to operate his camera to our lady photographer, only to find at the crucial moment that his battery was flat. His look of horror when he realised what must be coming next was a picture to behold - our Muppet of the week was signed, sealed and delivered right there. Sparky, you've set the standard and we'll follow your lead.

Champagne Moment: It's his party piece and we've seen it before, but it's just brilliant every time. Play broke quickly from defence and down the right. A shot was on but the advancing keeper had already proved his worth as a brilliant shot stopper so Ally screamed for a cross into the D. The ball came hard and fast across the p-spot and at full stretch left-hand reverse-stick dive Ally reached the ball and sent it smashing into the backboard. Bollinger 1997.

Match report by Foxy

Report: First game of the season and a damn fine performance. A friendly and played in a great spirit (thanks PWs) but it gave us a good run out and a test against a determined and organise oppo.

With a few new faces and every one rusty from the summer lay-off it was great to see the team gel quickly and play some flowing attacking hockey like we know the Cheetahs can. The new fellas added a new dimension and it wasn't long before the goals came. We scored at fairly even intervals throughout the game and each goal came when the passing was crisp and accurate. Matt opened our account with a short-range tap through the keeper's legs then Goldie and Gary smashed in a couple of crackers to give us the lead at halftime (despite a couple of PW goals - Frosty would you like to talk us through the one that went in off your foot?). In the second half Ed nearly broke the goal post with a short-corner rocket that went in off the woodwork, and Derry finished off with a first touch strike once he'd changed into his scoring boots.

Lots of potential. This season's going to be fun. Just keep watching this space, there's going to be a great story to tell.

Team: Frosty, Gary, Alex, Sparky, Ian, Neil, Ed, Mario, Derry, Goldie, Matt, Oli (playing for PWs).

Muppet of the Match: To mark the departure of our previous captain and inspiration for singling out and ridiculing one team mate each week we have retired the long standing and coveted Donkey of the Day award. To replace it, we introduce Muppet of the Match. The rules are strangely similar to the old DotD in that there are no rules, with the one exception that, this season, the Muppet award comes with the added duty of being Orange Boy for the following match. As Orange-Boy the Muppet can choose to either dress head to foot in orange, colour their hair orange and spend the week speaking with a Dutch accent or they must provide Oranges for home and away teams on the following Saturday. The choice is theirs. As with the old DotD there will be some local guidelines (some of which haven't been made up yet) but we'll let you find out about these the hard way! Next week our first Muppet will be crowned. Enjoy.

Champagne Moment: Goldie marked a welcome return to the 2s with a magnificent goal. Collecting the ball at the top of the D JG pushed on and to the right drawing the keeper out, then with what seemed like no effort at all lifted a shot up over the keeper and into the roof of the net, almost knocking the goal over in the process. Awarded a Bollinger 1997.